ACC vs. Big Ten! For All the Marbles! (Well, Not Really, But Still)

I'll admit it, when the Big Ten/ACC Challenge was originally announced I thought it would be pretty awesome. UNC vs. Indiana! Duke vs. Michigan State! Dickie V trying to decide between Tom Izzo and Coach K's nuts!

But then when they actually started playing the games, I quickly realized, it was the entire Big Ten against the entire ACC. More like, Virginia Tech vs. Northwestern. Miami vs. Minnesota. Fran Frischilla flirting with Doris Burke (chills). The only game of any real interest to me is UNC at Ohio State and that's only to see Hansbrough v. Koufos in the white guy post battle to end all white guy post battles.

It became clear that the real winner wasn't being decided on the court because the best of the best weren't playing each other (my idea is that the teams play each other based on the previous year's finish in the conference standings i.e. ACC champ vs. Big Ten champ, ACC runner-up vs. Big Ten runner-up, etc., but it'll never happen). So in order to decide who is really the better conference, we examine some other factors using an old blogger stand-by, the always-reliable Tale of the Tape. Here are this year's match-ups, for referential purposes.

Monday, Nov. 26
7:00 p.m. ESPN2 Wake Forest at Iowa

Tuesday, Nov. 27
7:00 p.m. ESPN Georgia Tech at Indiana
7:30 p.m. ESPN2 Minnesota at Florida State
7:00 p.m. ESPNU Northwestern at Virginia
9:00 p.m. ESPN Wisconsin at Duke
9:30 p.m. ESPN2 Purdue at Clemson

Wednesday, Nov. 28
7:00 p.m. ESPN N.C. State at Michigan State
7:30 p.m. ESPN2 Illinois at Maryland
7:00 p.m. ESPNU Boston College at Michigan
9:00 p.m. ESPN North Carolina at Ohio State
9:30 p.m. ESPN2 Virginia Tech at Penn State

The tale, after the jump.

Continue...
Women
This category needs a disclaimer. The logical way to do this would be to compare the ever-popular Girls of the ____ Playboy issues for the respective conferences but I found this would be inaccurate. Those issues depict a very small demographic of a conference, the "Above Average Looking Complete Skank" bracket. If you saw most of these girls on campus you would have no interest in seeing them naked but if they so happen to appear naked in front of you, it is much obliged. They have enough girl next door appeal to make this issue seem cool enough ("Hey, she's in my econ class! And she's got weird nipples!") but the fact that they pose nude in Playboy for a free sweatshirt at the book store makes them too skanky to pursue. It's a tiresome conundrum. I'm looking for the common Big Ten or ACC woman.

Big Ten- The only Big Ten school I've ever been to is Penn State. But I've been there a lot and hear it is at least in the top three in the conference in poon. Color me unimpressed. By sheer volume, it should be teeming with acceptable trim. But hot girls hate cold weather because it's not too attractive to wear booty shorts on top of long johns. Plus the 8 days of sunlight State College receives per year does little for springtime tanning. I've been to Michigan State once and it's the same way. And if you've never been to Western PA, or Michigan, finding a girl who doesn't hunt wild game, hasn't had sex on a tractor or isn't addicted to oxycontin is like finding a needle in a haystack (which those girls are surprisingly good at doing). I'll assume the others are just as dismal.

ACC- My experience includes UNC, Virginia and Maryland. Virginia is outstanding. Southern accents, dresses, actual sunlight and a tuition just high enough to ensure both a full collection of teeth and the absence of inbreeding. Maryland, not so much. Just north enough to attract New Yorkers, Pennsylvanians and, gasp, people from Jersey. UNC, somewhere in the middle. For location, it's right in the wheelhouse of East Coast choiceness and the girls are rich enough to utilize some elite DNA (and if that fails, plastic surgery) but the academic standards are too high to weed out the nerds. Not only do they ruin the curve in class but bring down the collective bootyliciousness of the whole campus.

Advantage: ACC. The Florida schools outweigh the fugliness of BC and I don't even want to see what type of beasts they have at Minnesota.


Tradition
Big Ten- Lots of it. Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State form a tripod of dense frat boy sexual frustration manifested in epithets, bar fights, immature pranks and prosecutable assault. That's mostly in sports besides basketball though. But, Indiana carries the load for the hardcourt. On the downside, schools like Minnesota and Northwestern have never been good at anything that matters ever.

ACC- UNC-Duke is great and all but it's become as bastardized as Yanks-Sox. The media attention and mainstream appeal has stripped the regional feel and shifted the focus toward factors that North Carolinians don't even care about (namely Coach K and Roy Williams). If Dane Cook ever gets on board, we are finished. Plus the Big East defectors have changed the landscape a bit. I still forget BC is in the ACC sometimes.

Advantage- Big Ten. Duke lacrosse's tradition of rape doesn't help either.



People to Love
Big Ten- The Fab Five, Kosta Koufos, Eric Gordon (I'm not an Illinois fan), Mateen Cleaves, Gene Keady's hair, Greg Oden, Dee Brown/Deron Williams/Nick Smith.

ACC- Michael Jordan, Wes Miller, Jim Valvano.... (crickets)

Advantage- Big Ten


People to Hate
Big Ten- Bob Knight, Kelvin Sampson, Clem Haskins, Tom Izzo, Drew Neitzel, Keith Smart.

ACC- Coach K, Roy Williams, Dick Vitale, Mike Patrick, Jared Dudley, Sean Marshall, JJ Redick, Greg Paulus, Jon Scheyer, Wojo, Collins, Shane Battier, Dahntay Jones, Josh McRoberts, Zoubek (what the hell), Taylor King, Nic Caner-Medley, Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Stephon Marbury's weird hair part (passes out).

Advantage- Big Ten


Weather
Big Ten- Snow, clouds, rain and the occasional frat house piss shower.

ACC- Sunshine, maybe even a beach and the sweet touch of Redick tears.

Advantage- ACC (just don't ever go to Boston College).


Fans
Big Ten- Schools like Penn State and Iowa, with no basketball fans, at least get rabid football support. They are in the middle of nowhere, it's sports, cowtipping or drowning loneliness in a bottle of cheap whiskey... and Scrabble, you could always play Scrabble. Indiana, Michigan State and usually Illinois are the only basketball fans I would call "great."

ACC- I hate Duke, but if I went to Duke, I probably wouldn't. There, that's all I'm gonna say. I've seen a game at the Dean Dome and it's fantastic, even if it's a bit too huge for my liking. Maryland fans are the best. Their treatment of Redick should have won a Noble prize, if they gave Nobel Prizes in Heartless, Yet Completely Deserving Douchebaggery. Miami is awful and Wake and G Tech have been listless lately, but NC State, BC, Va Tech (when they play someone good) and even Clemson are above average.

Advantage- ACC. Do not get between the South and their basketball.


Actual Basketball
The least relevant category turns out to be the clincher. Let's go through each game and pick a winner.

Wake Forest at Iowa- Iowa
Georgia Tech at Indiana- Indiana
Minnesota at FSU- FSU
Northwestern at Virginia- Virginia
Wisconsin at Duke- Duke
Purdue at Clemson- Clemson
NC State at Michigan State- NC State
Illinois at Maryland- Illinois
Boston College at Michigan- Michigan
North Carolina at Ohio State- UNC
Virginia Tech at Penn State- Virginia Tech

Advantage- ACC. 7-4.



The ACC is your winner!
I mean, they deserve it for having hotter chicks, but I hate siding with anything involving Duke. There, now you don't have to actually watch any of the games. But do pick up those Playboy issues.