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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Biggest Controversy... According to Billy Packer: The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

Today: Biggest Controversy... According to Billy Packer
Least Obnoxious Coach: Tony Bennett, Washington State
Most Hated White Guy Award: Drew Neitzel, Michigan State
Most Annoying Announcer (Non Vitale Division): Jim Nantz, CBS
Most Scandalous Program: Kansas State


It's an annual tradition. As reliable as the leaves changing color, tax day, Gus Johnson capturing the hearts of millions. Billy Packer will be pissed off at something, anything, on Selection Sunday. Sometimes it's been as simple as a Bubble team being snubbed or a certain squad being seeded too high, but often it's Packer grasping at something out of thin air, interjecting himself into the national hoops picture and bringing the grinning idiot Jim Nantz along for the ride. Shall we run through Packer's list of offenses? I say yes...
1979- Criticizes Larry Bird and Indiana State's 1 seed and No. 1 overall ranking in the NCAAs. They proceed to make it to the championship game.

1996- Calls Allen Iverson, my favorite athlete of all-time, a "tough monkey" and somehow doesn't get got by Iverson's posse or mine.

2000- Allegedly said the following to some Duke fans before a game: "Since when do we let women control who gets into a men's basketball game? Why don't you go find a women's game to let people into?" To his credit, it's not like any of the pipsqueaks at Duke we're going retaliate. The bleachers there probably look like a middle school dance.

2004- Lambasted St. Joe's getting a 1 seed out of the A-10 after they lost to Xavier in the first game of the conference tournament. Was confronted by Phil Martelli on air and got into one of those old, bald guy shouting matches, reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men where they just yell non sequitirs about which war they were in and how much Coke cost when they were a teenager.

2005- Was booed upon receiving some kind of lifetime achievement award at the ACC Tournament. United bitter ACC fans in hatred against him.

2006- Got all crotchety about mid-majors making the tournament over power conference teams leading everyone to assume that Packer doesn't know how to use an iPod and thinks Sophia Loren is still the hottest piece of ass around. Picked on the CAA and MVC, saying that neither leagues had done anything in recent tournaments. Bradley and Wichita State make the Sweet 16, Mason goes to the Final Four. He and Nantz didn't admit they were wrong and Craig Littlepage punked them for it.

2007- This occurred.

Now, everyone with an internet connection and permanent residence in their parents' basement has written the Billy Packer Has Got to Go Column. It's everywhere, specifically, here, here, here, here, and... well you get the picture. When I want to hate on Packer, I'll just think of this piece from Kissing Suzy Kolber and interject him as the speaker. Seems about right. Oh and from JoeSportsFan, this is just outstanding, so I'll browse that too. But I'm not here to add to the anti-Packer content. No, it is in my interest to simply predict what will piss off Packer this year, so we can all brace ourselves for his idiocy and also this year's batch of Fire Packer columns.

He's got the bigotry angle covered, I don't think he'll go to that well again. He clearly hates mid-majors, no need to elaborate there, plus it could be a down year for those mongrels anyway. I'm actually thinking the selection committee gets a pass this year. So what is left? Ah yes, I know, the perfect foil to an old senile man's otherwise peaceful march to death...

Yes, the freshmen. With their lawn-trespassing, flawless colons and steady urine streams. These punks have taken over the game that Packer loves so dear with those brazen crossover dribbles, "jump" shots and diverse ethnic backgrounds. Last year, the first under David Stern's NBA age-minimum, the freshmen impact hit Packer like a punch in the stomach (well, not really, a punch in the stomach would turn his intestines to dust). If he knew the likes of Kevin Durant and Greg Oden would come in and dominate a game that clearly takes a minimum of five decades and a maximum 12-inch vertical leap to perfect, he would've challenged Stern to a duel, just like his old pal Aaron Burr. But this year Packer is prepared. Come Selection Sunday he'll be plenty cantankerous over these kids coming in, ravishing the game and leaving after one year. Before getting married no less!

So when Derrick Rose and Memphis or Eric Gordon and Indiana get their top seeds in the Tourney, Packer will unleash a diatribe on the youth of America that would make Andy Rooney quiver in his warmly-packed adult diapers. Every freshmen will be called out for bastardizing the game, ruining the longevity of programs across the country, making a mockery of a college education and... and... stealing! Those filthy little sneaks, don't they have their own teams?! Then Memphis and Indiana will go to the Final Four and Packer will expound on the veteran leadership of both squads, even as Gordon puts up 30 per game and Rose averages a triple-double. And in Billy Packer's mind, he will still rule the college hoops universe and all future freshmen will be treated as Satan's minions sent to ruin the purity of the game that consumes his life. Well, except the white ones. He's got no problems with white people. So, uh, Go UCLA! Go Duke! hehe...

I hate that man.

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