: Most Hated White Guy: The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

First up:

Most Hated White Guy Award (JJ Redick Memorial Trophy)
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The criteria for this award is stringent. You must be white first of all. That's no easy task. Second, you must play for a good team (like, top 15 or so) with plenty of media coverage. The media must love you, all opposing fans must want to do terrible things to your sister. You must have a loose resemblance to the average white college student. If 90 percent of the general public has a friend that could beat you up, you probably have the inside track on this award. And finally, you must instill utmost confidence in your detractors that you will be a complete bust on the professional level. What makes you so annoying is that you, the average white guy, are lucky enough to have the skills to earn a scholarship, a national spotlight and a never-ending supply of uninhibited, getting-back-at-her-parents college poon, but still are less desirable to potential employers than Kevin Ollie.

Obviously Tyler Hansbrough jumps to mind but Hansbrough has enough noticeable flaws (size, shooting, "ups" as the kids say) to keep media-folk honest and earns most of his success through hard work, energy and Crazy Person Eyes. Far too admirable. I don't know if he has a sister, but if he did, I'd probably take her out to a nice dinner, maybe a romantic comedy and wouldn't go near her pants until at least the third date.

Duke is way too easy. Scheyer isn't a big enough part of the offense, Singler is a freshman, Paulus... well I just feel sorry for Paulus, Ty Lawson might make him cry this year. Plus, all Duke whities are immediately compared to Redick, instantly lessening the impact of their obnoxiousness due to the At Least He's Not Redick Corollary.

As for the others, Kevin Love is too good, Derrick Low is too big of an underdog, Chase Budinger jumps too high and Josh Heytvelt has far too much street cred.

After much deliberation, the preseason award goes to:

Drew Neitzel, Michigan State
In a wide open field this year, Neitzel takes it home in large part to what is sure to be a Tom Izzo suck-off fest this year. If the Spartans have any bit of success after their shitty exhibition play, the whole thing with Izzo stripping his team of their locker room will give the Vitales and Patricks of the world some serious cream dreams. Neitzel, he of the miraculous fadeaway threes and tricked-out Honda exhibitionist haircut, will be the focal part of a top 10 team who is sure to be overrated after feasting upon the feeble Big Ten underbelly. Because of his stats and the fact that he is just white enough to still be playing in college, he'll be a Player of the Year candidate and a name known to many casual fans. Us real fans will see his atrociously low FG% and defensive embarrassment at the hands of Eric Gordon's ilk and call bullshit. But no worries, we have only a year of Neitzel's wrath, soon enough he will be off the court and a contestant on ESPN Original Entertainment's upcoming reality show, Shattered Dream Job: America's Next Doug Gottlieb.