Least Obnoxious Coach: The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

Today: Least Obnoxious Coach
Previously:
Most Hated White Guy Award (JJ Redick Memorial Trophy): Drew Neitzel, Michigan State
Most Annoying Announcer (Non Vitale Division): Jim Nantz, CBS

Continue...

Being obnoxious is part of being a college coach. To get a recruit you have to be an asshole to everyone besides him and his family. You have to vindictively sabotage competing coaches, lie to other recruiting targets and hire people that are woefully unqualified. But then, when the recruit is on your team, you have to be an asshole to him, because it's important to athletic directors and boosters that a college coach appears to be a disciplinarian and someone who cares more about winning than his players. Can't let those punk kids with their hip hop music, unprotected sex and ability to generate millions in revenue without receiving anything in return act like they own the place.

So if you need to choke a player, act like some sort of deity in TV commercials, or inspire stuff like this, well that's all part of the job. In fact, the NCAA's recent attempts to limit cursing and strip a coach's privilege, NO, his right to be a complete asshole is a downright attack on the American dream. The dream to get paid millions of dollars to berate teenagers, the dream this country was founded upon. How can a coach expect to make a living using exclamations like "Fudgy stick!" calling players "buttheads" and referring to an official's call as "poppycock?"

So, when a coach can achieve success without treating people like a $20 prostitute he is truly overachieving. Therefore, I had to rule out mid-major coaches for this award because far too many of them seem like nice people, whose job is based solely on the ability to overachieve. I needed someone who could manage to succeed in a lion's den of back sweat, toddler-esque pouting and outright douchebaggery.

That someone is...

Tony Bennett

Shit... I mean, Tony Bennett
Bennett, seen here not looking like a complete train wreck, turned Washington State's program around with the help of his father Dick Bennett, who despite his first name, also was not a, well, dick. Last year, in his first season as head coach after four years as an assistant, he took a last place team in '06 to 26 wins and the NCAA second round. Now, I'm going to assume part of the reason he isn't an ass, is the same type of underdog position he inherited. Washington State wasn't a mid-major team, but they certainly looked, acted and smelled like one. It's almost as if in the coaching world you have to earn the right to treat people like shit. Actually it seems like the best time for denigration and discipline would be a new coach on a bad team. Someone to change the culture. But boosters and administrators don't want a coach to come in and ruffle feathers. "If you're going to suck, at least make our lives easier," seems to be the sentiment. Which means take your 40-point beating, 20-loss seasons and most importantly, meager salary and keep the chairs on the bench and the players happy enough to not start killing each other.

Bennett managed to pull off a turnaround without making a peep. Hell, he doesn't even have enough clout to avoid dinner with Seth Davis. Coach K makes Davis sit at another table, and pay, if he wants an interview. Plus, he's done it with players that don't need to be dicked over. Kyle Weaver and his one scholarship offer, Deven Hamerling and his offers from Denver and Eastern Washington and Robbie Cowgill, who avoided the siren song of Texas-Arlington, don't need to be kept in line or treated like babies. They don't have agents calling or issues with marketability. They are grown men who have only Bennett and the Cougars to fall back on.

Now, the question is, how long can Bennett keep this up? After a few more 20-win seasons and NCAA appearances, he has to start spreading rumors that Lorenzo Romar has herpes and slashing Ben Howland's tires right? He's already had interest from Michigan and Minnesota and signed an extension for $800,000 a year, will it go to his head and result in the same boorish bullshit the Huggins, Knights and Calhouns had forced us to expect? I think we'll be alright for this year but I hope Bennett can become a repeat winner of this award, otherwise the increasingly unstoppable monster that is college coaching will have claimed another victim.