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Monday, December 10, 2007

College Hoops Takes A Break For Finals, Players Report to Class For First Time


The debate over which part of the year is the worst in sports has been going on for awhile. Some people say it's February, after the Super Bowl and before March Madness. Others go with August, a month filled only with regular season baseball, the PGA Championship, swamp ass and the slow, NFL Live-ridden death march to football season. Allow me to offer another contender, the first three weeks of December. Sure there are still weekly NFL games with playoff spots on the line, but there are usually only or two per week that are even watchable, or in this week's case, absolutely none. College football, even though it sucks, lies dormant and for college basketball, we have the dreaded finals week, where players take time off from their full time job of playing basketball to bang smart, fat girls in exchange for answers, get their assistant coaches to threaten their professors and finish that big marketing presentation on brand loyalty that their friends at Nike were so helpful with. For fans, this means a lightened schedule and, thus, a world without meaning with only the Meineke Car Care Bowl to save us.

So in order to keep college hoops in my life, I've decided to take focus away from the game and toward the classroom. And while focusing on academics will usually illicit the occasional bedside horse head courtesy of a school's booster association, I'm going to focus on the fields of study that some of our favorite players have chosen.*

Tyler Hansbrough- Double Major in optometry and psychology, he plans to write a thesis proving the conditional relationship between "Crazy Coach" and "Crazy Person Eyes."

Greg Paulus- A Major in public policy with a minor in international studies, he will be giving a presentation on flawed homeland security, using his own game tapes as a learning tool.

OJ Mayo- Everyone knows about his high ACT scores, but not many know that he recently took a journalism seminar course. Because Mayo loves OJ Mayo so much, the professor gave him an 'A,' saying he exhibited the traits of many at the top of the industry.

Michael Beasley- Is the President of Kansas State University.

Bill Walker- According to civics professors, has a bright future in waste management.

Josh Heytvelt- Majoring in alternative agriculture.**

Kevin Love- Master of the culinary arts.

Chase Budinger- Volunteered to serve as a study subject in an Arizona biology class trying to figure how one can stay that pale in FUCKING ARIZONA.

Darren Collison- Professors have commented on his advanced understanding of Karl Marx's Communist Manifesto.

Dominic James- After earning just a 2.0 GPA his freshman year, he decided to focus all his attention on academics his sophomore and junior years. Boy has it showed! He now has a 3.2 GPA and zero hopes of being drafted!

Brook Lopez- He, uh, watches the Price is Right a lot... and, um, routinely performs well in the Showcase Showdown!

*none of this is real, but if you need to read this to figure that out, you are an idiot.
**way too easy.

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