You Must Care About Rivalry Week

I've been told it's Rivalry Week in college hoops. ESPN has told me this and given all the ads and promotions for it, I have been led to believe that it is far more important than something that was say, I don't know, completely made-up by a network desperate to generate post-football interest in sports. While I don't think college basketball lends itself particularly well to rivalries -- the constant changing of players the obvious reason why -- than say college football, it doesn't mean the games won't be really exciting anyway (see: Gonzaga-St. Mary's last night). I mean, it's not like ESPN would show bad games just for the sake of capitalizing on a contrived rivalry. (See: Michigan vs. Ohio State, Clemson vs. Virginia, Xavier vs. St. Louis).

So in order to ensure the proper amount of interest in Rivalry Week, I thought I'd take a closer look at all the "rivalries" and why such hatred came about in the first place.

Louisville vs. Marquette- When defecting from Conference USA, both teams thought they were the main contributors to the enormously increasing suckiness of their old conference. Rick Pitino claimed it was the Cardinals that left the league at a level barely higher than 8th grade girls basketball while Tom Crean vehemently disagreed, saying if not for the Golden Eagles departure, people might still want to watch Conference USA over televised coverage of a live birth.

Missouri vs. Kansas- I would say this would suffice. And I suppose this was only a matter of time, as well:
Gonzaga vs. St. Mary's- Zags' guard Matt Bouldin prefers Dave Mathews to Jack Johnson, which is tantamount to sacrilege amongst the useless, yerk-toting, frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys that attend the small, liberal arts college.

Michigan vs. Ohio State- Something to do with football or something.

Butler vs. Valparaiso- Because no one inspires more hatred than the radical Finnish ideals of Valpo sophomore forward and Scandinavian enforcer Samuel Haanpaa. He has infiltrated the Midwest and we have only AJ Graves to save us. There Will Be Blood.

Florida vs. Tennessee- There is no greater debate in the South than which is more soul-crushing: Bruce Pearl with his shirt off or Joakim Noah fully clothed.

















Bonechilling

Connecticut vs. Syracuse- No one is sure how this rivalry started. Jim Boeheim and Jim Calhoun just started whining one day and the topic eventually meandered toward each others programs. In order to get them to stop, both fanbases swore their hatred for the other. Also, there are rumors about a heated bet between both athletic directors on which team could spend the most consecutive Novembers without leaving their respective states. It's a stalemate at 79 apiece.

Duke vs. UNC- Coach K banged Dean Smith's daughter. Not sure why else this would be a rivalry.

Texas vs. Oklahoma- The Sooners made the unfortunate misstep of having messed with Texas. We all know how that can turn out.

West Virginia vs. Pittsburgh- The loser of this game every season will be known as the Official Alabama of the North for the following year. The women of the winning fan base gets a free year-long subscription to the services of any Planned Parenthood in the losing team's state. Given the two fanbases, this prize has an estimated value over $500,000. The men receive assault rifles. You know, for huntin' critters or whatever.

Xavier vs. St. Louis- Not sure why this is a rivalry, although I heard Musketeer fans are known throughout the A-10 for hating aborted children and full frontal male nudity.

Illinois vs. Indiana- I may be wrong here, but didn't Illinois fans have some strong feelings toward that Eric Gordon fellow.

From Illinois Loyalty message board:
Orange100: i love him like a loose meat sandwich with melted cheddar cheese that they serve in the lunch room.

TheTimmer: that it's probably illegal to discuss. But, I can tell you this: I would de-pants myself and sing "The Old Gray Mare" for 2 hours straight the night of his non-exhibition debut as an Illini.

JCJP: Eric would look sooooooooo good in orange. He makes me feel so wonderful.
Don't ya know that he's? He's some Kind of Wonderful. yes he is, he's some kind of wonderful.

The GRAND FUNK RAILROAD WROTE IT JUST FOR YOU ERIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonder how that turned out...