The SSS 2008 NCAA Tournament Preview For Non-Psychics: Midwest Region

Waxing poetic about how lovely the NCAA Tournament is seems a bit irrelevant at this point. Certainly "One Shining Moment" will provide a sort of grab-bag of sappiness at the end of the whole thing that will you make you go, "Man, I love March Madness," sigh while looking longingly into the middle distance and then go watch The Hills or something. Now is not the time for such nonsense. March Madness is great! Work sucks! Gus Johnson is so exciting! There, that's done with. What we all want right now is objective, cold-hearted analysis on which teams will prevail and how to win your office pools. I wholeheartedly hope you find something like that. Instead I offer my own brand of regional previews, based solely around enjoying the tournament as much as possible. I'd say "Enjoy" but that goes without saying this time of year.

Previously:
East Region
West Region
South Region

Here is your last region, the Midwest. For the record, I've got Louisville, UCLA and Stanford in the Final Four so far. And once again, be sure to check the great Awful Announcing, which has the first round announcers for each game that can be used for Gus Johnson referential purposes regarding this preview.

1st Round Games
1) Kansas vs. 16) Portland State- The Vikings are the best 16 seed this year, a team that has beaten conference runner-ups Akron and Ooey Pooey (IUPUI) this year and lost to UCLA by "just" 21 and Washington State by "just" 12. So for those of you looking for some fancy pants No. 16 over No. 1, perhaps you have found that opportunity. Now you just need Kansas to come down with a rampant case of the gout, which even the most frigid temperatures or unsavory skanks of Omaha could probably not provide. A less debilitating disease may produce a cover of the spread though.

8) UNLV vs. 9) Kent State- A good example of just how mediocre college basketball this year is UNLV. Last year's team, a No. 7 seed, had at least three players that would be the best on this year's squad, a No. 8 seed. Wink Adams, the only holdover from last year's Sweet 16 participant, will have a very entertaining battle with Kent State "star" Al Fisher. Both programs are used to the NCAAs and getting some wins when there. Actually both of these teams are pretty similar overall, especially in that they will both be destroyed by Kansas in the second round.

5) Clemson vs. 12) Villanova- Along with the underdog Temple Owls and St. Joe's Hawks, Villanova remains the god-forsaken city of Philadelphia's best chance of any postseason win in any of the major sports at any level in 15 months. The Sixers, a team that willfully employs Calvin Booth, and the Flyers, a team that plays hockey, would be the best chance if those three Big Five members fail... for the next six months. Think of this when you are watching the games over the next couple days, and pray that the inevitable riot does not spread across all of civilization. I Am Legend.

4) Vanderbilt vs. 13) Siena- This is everyone's big, special upset pick for this year, not necessarily because they know anything about Siena -- or Vandy for that matter -- but because people on TV are talking about it. I still don't understand why no network, in the history of TV, has actually kept track of how well its analysts' picks have done. I mean, I know the reasons why they do not, but it seems unlikely they could continue to get away with it. Let me set the standard: If Siena does not beat Vanderbilt, we boycott any form of televised Bracketeering... and publicly stone Joe Lunardi.

6) USC vs. 11) Kansas State- YESSSS. Even my shallowly snark-filled approach to this tourney cannot muster up some cynicism for this game. In 40 minutes an NBA scout can take care of 30 percent of the 2008 Draft's top ten. And with Wisconsin, Fullerton, Portland State, UNLV and Kent State also playing in Omaha (along with Kansas), the Selection Committee owes at least that much to those scouts. I'm completely lost on whether to consider KSU a good team or not and this smells of one of those games where you pick USC to go the Elite Eight and they get blasted with 40 and 15 from Beasley. Tim Floyd did easily handle a similarly constructed Kevin Durant-led Texas team last year, which didn't even have a Crazy Person for a head coach, so there's that.

3) Wisconsin vs. 14) Cal-State Fullerton- Another of the Selection Committee's sick, twisted jokes (they need to get a hobby or something), the superslow Badgers (306th in pace nationally) will face the ADDirific Titans (15th in pace nationally). Some people think Fullerton can pull this one off and it's not completely insane because of how well they shoot the ball, but CSF's porous defense can make even Wisconsin look like a modern-day team (rumor has it they still practice with peach baskets). The Badgers offense will be so free and loose compared to Big Ten play, well Bo Ryan might just have to Superman a Hoe:


7) Gonzaga vs. 10) Davidson- I'm as pissed as you about the Selection Committee's decision to recreate the BracketBusters tournament, but this is a freaking great basketball game right here. The Zags used to be just like Davidson, a mid-major with a bunch of nonathletic shooters that play smart, rebound and pass well, but have cashed in that success for some fancy All-Americans that have diminished their chemistry and ability to avoid hallucinating and openly weeping. Davidson, on the other hand, has embraced the style of the original Gonzaga, playing big-time non-conference opponents and making frequent tourney trips with a team that's led by a recent spelling bee champion. All kinds of literary themes going on in this one; hopefully the smarties at Davidson can explain them to Heytvelt. Relate it to Harold and Kumar and he'll be fine.

2) Georgetown vs. 15) UMBC- The Retrievers aren't terrible, even though their nickname would suggest such; I don't even think a youth league team would be caught dead wearing a jersey referring to themselves as a highly domesticated animal. UMBC can shoot a little bit and will probably win the turnover battle with a recently reckless Georgetown team. The Hoyas simply cannot put teams away with consistency so the longer the... uh... let's call them the Vampires... the longer the Vampires can keep the score within shouting distance, the longer G'Town will have to exert some of the energy they'll need against a tough Gonzaga or Davidson team two days later. By the way, Nantz and Packer are doing this one so look for plenty of "man's best friend" puns from Nantz and, with John Thompson, Jr. around, plenty of racism from Packer.

To Watch For
Game You Will Really Wish Gus Johnson Was Announcing- One of the more underrated things about Gus is how much he understands basketball. The guy can identify player's tendencies and teams' strengths and weaknesses like few other announcers. That being said, he knows next to nothing about the players, teams, coaches or conferences relevant to that season. For instance, Gus will quickly recognize that Stephen Curry has a quick release and an ability to use a jab step or perfectly use a screen to get a shot off against a bigger opponent and his trusty relationship with point guard Jason Richards, but he'll have to ask his partner how to pronounce Curry's first name. That's why I wish he was doing that Davidson-Gonzaga game, because it'll be like a really knowledgeable basketball fan watching great players like Stephen Curry or Jeremy Pargo or Austin Daye for the first time. And screaming like an insane maniac all the while.

Game You Should Be Thankful Jim Nantz IS NOT Announcing- If the big Hoyas-Retrievers game seems unbearable, just be thankful he isn't doing the USC-Kansas State game. "Hold the Mayo" lines would be flying like crazy and he would certainly accuse Davon Jefferson of trying to steal his wallet.

Thing That Will Get Stuck In Billy Packer's Craw- Oh my goodness, if they give him 30 seconds of air time to talk about USC and Kansas State and all the one-and-doners, he might lose control of his bladder.

Most Ironic Commercial- During that KSU-USC game, any commercial promoting the benefits for student-athletes of a complete college education .

(If you can't tell, I'm really excited for that game.)

Talking Points That Will Make Your Brain Want To Die- Davidson is very similar to how Gonzaga once was. There is a considerable amount of NBA talent in that 6-11 game. OJ Mayo and Bill Walker are friendly acquaintances. Any success by Villanova should be seen as ironic because it barely made the Tournament.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give CBS Execs Creamed Jeans- Davidson-Georgetown in Raleigh. A bunch of smart kids playing in the heart of North Carolina. Hmm, sounds familiar.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give Hoops Fans Creamed Jeans, CBS Execs Flaccidity- Nothing jumps out here but Gonzaga vs. Georgetown would be pretty great, especially because the Zags might have more raw talent. CBS probably wants Mr. Heytvelt out of there ASAP.

Best NBA Prospect- Answer unnecessary.

Best Panamanian Super Liga Prospect- Villanova forward Shane Clark has already put a down payment on a Canal-side home.... with a jetski!

Most Likely Teabagging Scenario- As much as Roy Hibbert seems like a nice young man... I hope Jeremy Pargo puts his balls up in Big Roy's face.... For entertainment purposes of course.

Most Unexpectedly Hot Cheerleaders- Despite their pending doom, I've gotta think the girls from Fullerton leave every other team from this region in the dust. Especially Wisconsin. Their team probably doubles as the shot put squad.

Oh, And The Winner Of The Damn Thing- Kansas should waltz to the Elite Eight, but who they face is anyone's guess. I like USC to advance through because they should match-up against very similar, defensive-minded teams (Wisconsin and Georgetown), but of course will have vastly superior talent (the biggest stylistic problem they will face will be KSU actually). The Trojans just really need to take care of the ball against those two. The Jayhawks only beat USC by four back in December at the Galen Center and I think KU can win another close one and go on to San Antonio.