Your Selection Show Gamelog That's Not About A Game

Alright it's Selection Sunday, and 6 p.m. It is one of the greatest exact times of the year. And to properly chronicle the beginning of Madness and all of the analyst reaction and idiocy (not to mention Jim Nantz's overall creepiness), I give you a gamelog, even though it's not a game. Make of it what you will.

Anyway, South Alabama, Villanova and Arizona State fans are probably sitting tight, so I apologize if their inclusion/exclusion is mocked and leads to some kind of emotional crisis. If it makes you feel better my team, Syracuse, has no chance. We will also see how well my Final Bracketology holds up against the read deal. I just wanna beat Lunardi and I'll be ecstatic. Oh and I'll be using the CBS broadcast, I've made fun of ESPN enough around here.

6:00 p.m.- And we're off. Your analysts are the giant-headed Greg Gumbel, the fantastically boring Clark Kellogg and burgeoning stand-up comedian and possible impostor Seth Davis. Won't be as entertaining as the Phelps/Knight romance, but just wait till Packer and Nantz come on.

In the interest of full disclosure, my roommate is a Villanova fan, so this particular Selection Sunday should have some added entertainment. I am a Syracuse fan so I'm going to do my best to contain any reaction to Villanova's potential exclusion. I don't want to start an enraged, "Yeah well where the hell is Syracuse" type argument.

The No. 1 overall is UNC in the East, no surprise there, but I still don't like this team to win it all. Clemson and Virginia Tech are decent, but that was not a very convincing effort by the Heels this weekend.

6:01 p.m.- Greg tells us how the Tournament is set up, which is all very shocking information. The other No. 1s are Memphis, UCLA and Kansas, in a bit of a surprise. Tennessee fans are probably going to cry and complain and shoot their guns into the air or whatever they do. If it makes them feel better, I think they will go deeper than Memphis. So there, put the gun away.

6:04 p.m.- Jim and Billy check in and for some reason Nantz looks giant. The creepy Nantz Gaze is in full effect though. He looks at everyone like they are a woman undressing by the window across the street. Packer is about a six on the Cantankerous Scale right now and even when not in HD, his face is terrifying.

6:05 p.m.- The March Madness on Demand thing is plugged. One of the better inventions ever by the way. Except when you have to explain to others who don't care about basketball why your laptop is perched on your TV. Also if you have a boss that would prefer to pay you for actually working.

6:07 p.m.- I would never wipe bleu cheese off a Georgetown fan's face. And I don't really think I should have to explain why.

6:09 p.m.- The East region is revealed. I'm going with Mount St. Mary's in the play-in game but then again, who cares. Indiana's suckiness is properly evaluated with a No. 8 seed, congratulations committee. Wazzou gets a surprisingly high seed and I am already rooting extremely hard for George Mason to beat Notre Dame. The slow-footed American Eagles might have to forfeit due to exhaustion in the second half of that game with Tennessee.

Butler is WAY too low and I cannot believe South Alabama got a No. 10. Other Bubble fans cannot be pleased. The committee might be in a mid-major mood this year. The Vols should be frightened of a second round game with Butler, even though the Bulldogs got completely screwed by playing a road game in Birmingham against USA. Poor job so far Committee, with the exception of Indiana being rightfully crapped upon. Oh and UNC will stroll easily into the Elite Eight of that bracket by the way, but I like Louisville to win the region.

6: 16 p.m.- The Midwest is about to be revealed and my roommate might take off into outer space. I haven't seen much of UNLV this year, but for them to have that season after all the players they lost is great; good match-up with Kent State. Why are they having all the mid-majors knock each other out, by the way? Nova gets in and I will be alive tomorrow morning. At a No. 12, they might have been one of the last in, which really annoys Syracuse fans. Siena will beat Vanderbilt. Gonzaga-Davidson; again with the mid-majors. Both of those teams should be pretty pissed I would imagine, especially Gonzaga who has to travel across the country to play Davidson at home. This bracket is wide open on the bottom, USC could come out of there. Speaking of USC, I think Mayo v. Beasley should be a whole lot of fun, but that's just me.

6:21 p.m.- CBS is teaming with Facebook for a Bracket Challenge and I couldn't be happier. I've always wanted to know if the person beating me in my pool is interested in "Random Play" or "Whatever I Can Get." Although it will provide the opportunity to stalk whoever else shares my confidence in Louisville, and that's what love is all about, really.

6:24 p.m.- Alright let's go to the South region, where John Calipari is holding some kind of house party, which should make UAB fans chuckle a bit. Oregon is very high at a No. 9 seed, which bodes well for Arizona State. Temple over Michigan State, for the record. ORU over Pitt. Temple over ORU. Book it. Miami is too high at No. 7, which is good for St. Mary's, who will destroy them. Texas-St. Mary's rematch in the second round probably; the Longhorns should roll again. Oh boy, Texas-Stanford in the Sweet 16 will provide a serious existential crisis for me. The winner of that game is your Final Four team from that region. Memphis waltzes to the Elite Eight though.

We have our first bit of personality as Seth Davis rips the seeding of Temple. It is here that we see young Seth's edgy humor that will surely make him the next Jerry Seinfeld. Or at least Frank Caliendo.

6:32 p.m.- Alright, last one Arizona State and Ohio State fans. Let's go to the West. Drake is at No. 5, which works for me. Again, still not sure how Butler is a No. 7. And, like clockwork, they are matched up with another mid-major. They should quickly realize what a BCS team looks like when Connecticut meets them in the second round. Good for Georgia, although Dennis Felton looks rather perplexed. You're not the only one, Dennis. Baylor gets a No. 11 and start humping each other. Looks like curtains for Ohio State and Arizona State. The Buckeyes were the one I got wrong. I had them in and South Alabama out. Lunardi got them all correct I think. You win again Mr. Brackets, but we shall battle in the future. Davis makes a Love the Drake joke and I feel rather ashamed we have any similarity in our sense of humor. I like some chalk in the West with Duke v. UCLA and the Bruins taking it down. Pretty solid job by the committee except for the Butler fiasco and all the mid-majors grouped together like some kind of leper colony or something.

6:38 p.m.- Now we get some discourse from Nantz and Packer. This should be good. Packer likes Notre Dame, which makes sense because he loves white people. Packer thinks Davidson is George Mason and leaves it at that. Don't waste to much energy trying to figure out what that means. I'm going to the second round in DC and if I have to watch Duke and West Virginia and deal with those fanbases, I am getting extremely drunk. I am a huge Arizona fan starting Thursday.

6:43 p.m.- They show all the various reactions of teams and it would have been great if they just threw Ohio State's reaction in there for the hell of it. The scene at Drake looked like a Kentucky Derby party.

6:46 p.m.- Tom O'Connor, AD at George Mason, is seated with Packer and Nantz, which is ironic on all kinds of levels. If he and Packer don't come to blows I will be very upset. Packer looks sedated tonight, very disappointing. Maybe he's taking Levitra or something.

Why are they so close on Packer's face? It is ghoulish. Packer delivers a slight rip on the ACC only getting four teams and a slightly indignant O'Connor says he never looked at conference affiliation. Packer poops pants. Arizona State learns its non-conference SOS killed them, but I'm not buying it. So now they go schedule Duke, UNC and Kansas and don't make it because of too many losses next year? Brilliant.

6:51 p.m.- O'Connor waxes poetic on college kids and dreams and that crap. Nantz is in love.

6:53 p.m.- Packer likes Kansas and North Carolina, specifically Sherron Collins and Danny Green as X-factors. This is actually rational and I am displeased. Davis calls out Virginia Tech's imbalanced schedule and this is also rational. This is no fun. Kellogg then becomes an idiot and all is well. He picks all No. 1 seeds. You gotta be kidding me. Clark likes three No. 5 seeds as sleepers, which is cowardly. Seth likes some double-digit teams and UCLA as the champ. Him and I are far too like-minded for me. Gumbel is incredulous that Seth likes double-digit teams as sleepers, which makes all kinds of sense in all the wrong ways.

7:00 p.m.- OK, we're done here. Pretty boring, no fireworks, no egregious snubs. I would say Butler should be the most pissed fanbase in America, though. Now it's time to figure out how to fill out this damn thing and, more importantly, how to piss off Duke fans in DC next weekend.