Your NCAA Championship Gamelog

I haven't been around these here parts in awhile, a real job that doesn't revolve around making jokes about Billy Packer's bladder control will do that to you, but I felt I needed to dust off the old blog and put some closure on the season. Here's your gamelog, I vow to return for the wonderous, inanely speculative splendor that is the NBA Draft. Probably.

1st Half
20:00- Nantz does all the intros and what nots. Why does every analyst start sentences with "when you look at" nowadays? I am already looking right at them, why does your pending analysis assume I am looking elsewhere?

19:43- Dorsey scores and an angel gets its wings, which are tattooed.

19:04- Brandon Rush nearly dies for the sake of a dunk. He is an American hero. Packer compares him to "the great Darnell Valentine," mainly because he is 112 years old.

17:57- Arthur bangs one on Dorsey and immediately apologizes.

16:50- Slop abounds, which always seems to happen for the first ten minutes of every title game.

16:39- OK, let's get this out of the way. Derrick Rose is the MOP of this tourney for me, win or lose. He is the best point guard prospect since Chris Paul (obviously) and will be a freaking star in the pros. He is NOT the No. 1 pick in the draft. Moving along...

15:36- 9-7 Kansas. Sasha Kaun receives far too many alley oops for a Russian. Isn't the United Nations doing something to prevent this?

13:44- 11-11. NBADraft.net has CDR at No. 18 in the '08 Draft. What exactly does he not do well? There is nothing.

13:00- 13-11 Memphis. Case in point, the absurd 12-foot push shot he just hit. He's even good at looking weird.

12:17- 13-11 Memphis. It's Ed Hightower's world and we're all just living in it.

11:33- 13-13. OK, now that it appears they are showing new ads for this game, here's a quick rundown of the March Madness commercials, each of which I have seen 13,000 times. Good: Sven. Bad: Everything else. That was fun.

10:53- 15-13 Kansas. Brandon Rush is another guy who will be drafted way too late, which just goes to show, it doesn't pay to play a lot of college basketball. If Brandon Rush was some mysterious swingman with lots of athleticism and without three years of college ball for a great team under his belt (like he was before busting his knee last year), he'd be a top 10 pick. Now, because he's merely "solid" he'll drop to around 20.

9:38- 18-13 Kansas. Cole Aldrich comes in, and I will admit he was incredible in the semis. But let's just say, for a seldom-used freshman, Joey Dorsey is not the same opponent as Tyler Hansbrough. And that dunk, should quickly allow Cole to realize that.

8:01- 22-18 Kansas. Packer is incredulous that Rose doesn't shoot enough and he gets two quick assists. Packer changes his tune and I am rather pleased.

7:00- 24-23 Kansas. Roy Williams doesn't give a shit about the University of North Carolina.

6:02- 26-26. This has settled into an extremely entertaining, high-quality game. Now back to less important matters.

4:49. 28-28. CDR is pooping upon everyone.

3:52. 28-28. Amendment to the commercial roundup from earlier. Good: Sven, Nike Training Saul Williams thing that makes me want to light things on fire. Bad: Everything else.

2:30. 31-28 Kansas. Nantz: "Where is Derrick Rose?" Well Jim, he's right there in front of you playing, you know, point guard. Oh and look, there he is at the top of a mock draft, ahead of Michael Beasley. That's where he is. It appears this will be Packer's "Thing to Be Cantankerous About" this year. A freshman point guard not jacking up 25 shots in a national title game against one of the nation's best defensive backcourts.

Half. 33-28 Kansas. Good half, high energy, very athletic, pretty well played besides the beginning, lots of Rush/Arthur, lots of CDR, fair amount of Rose, not enough for Packer, no Sven.

2nd Half
18:12- 36-35 Memphis. Game on, as the venerable Wayne Campbell once said.

16:30- 38-37 Memphis. Rose alley oops it to Dorsey, Packer is appalled he wouldn't alley oop it to himself.

15:13- 39-38 Kansas. Penny Hardaway is in the stands. Zero NBA teams play tonight. Those are not two related statements.

13:55- 39-38 Kansas. Anderson missed two free throws. See!? SEE!?

12:07- 43-42 Kansas. If Rose had dunked that, we would all cease to exist.

11:00- 45-42 Kansas. The more I watch this game, the more I think every player in it will find an NBA roster... except Pierre Niles.... then again, Oliver Miller made it so....

10:30- 45-44 Kansas. Rose with another pretty ridiculous finish and Packer says nothing. Kansas is basically doing everything it can to contain Rose, he is playing completely within himself and yet he is getting ripped because he doesn't have 25 points. No snark there, it just bugs me.

8:38- 47-46 Kansas. Nantz: "Both men met their wives in Lawrence, Kansas... of all places." Well, it's a better place to meet women than Augusta National so I'm not sure why you are throwing stones Green Jacket Boy.

8:24- 49-47 Memphis. This game will mark the triumphant end to The Year Of The Junk Defense.

7:36- 51-47 Memphis. Rose does something gross again and he is once again the second coming of Christ, or at least Jack Nicklaus, to Nantz and Packer.

5:10- 54-47 Memphis. Dear lord Mr. Rose.

4:45- 54-49 Memphis. Sherron Collins scores and Nantz announces that he pounded his chest and said let's go. Only Nantz would find this noteworthy.

4:04- 57-49 Memphis. Rose hits a fadeaway banked three at the shot clock buzzer. There goes your One Shining Moment right there folks. And probably your NCAA Tournament. And probably Billy Packer's bladder.

3:49- 56-49 Memphis. Check that, it was a two-pointer. One Shining Moment does not discriminate though.

3:10- 56-49 Memphis. Kansas plays man-to-man defense all year long, were one of the best defensive teams in the country, played it the whole first half to a five-point lead and are now inexplicably throwing some weird zones out there. Are you sure you want to pay Bill Self $60 million and all the cows he can slaughter Oklahoma State?

2:12- 60-51 Memphis. I really hope the Tigers don't make all these free throws, not because I want them to lose, but because Calipari won't stop talking about it for somewhere between four and 987 months.

1:44- 60-56 Memphis. Steal, three, got-a-game-again.

1:30- 62-56 Memphis. Two free throws by CDR. OK Kansas, you have held Memphis to 60 points for 38+ minutes and yet you feel the best way to stop them from scoring is to give them two uncontested 15-foot shots rather than play defense straight up. Again, OK State, you're gonna give this man a jillion dollars? And an unlimited supply of freshly processed goat cheese?

0:44- 62-60 Memphis. And we've got a title game folks. Feels good, doesn't it?

0:16- 62-60 Memphis. Anyone get a read on the nutritional facts on CDR's arm? How many grams of sodium does he contain? Oh, I suppose this in intense or something.

0:12- 62-60 Memphis. Somehow, on this Earth, Kansas doesn't get a rebound after CDR misses two free throws. Where is Sasha Kaun when you need him?

0:00- 63-63. Holy crap. How is Gus Johnson not doing this game? What a freaking shot. Foul shots Calipari, you son of a B, foul shots! Best title game of my lifetime (besides when Syracuse won).

OVERTIME
4:30- 65-63 Kansas. Sherron Collins is playing really, very well tonight. He's a star next year. Sorry, when a gamelog predicated on making fun of things in a shallow, understated manner turns into an insanely entertaining game, it's hard to stay in character.

3:38- 67-63 Kansas. If Arthur and Collins stay, this team will be right back here again. Well, if Self is at Oklahoma State, of course.

2:24- 69-65 Kansas. Two Memphis foul shots. They make 'em when they count!

0:57- 71-68 Kansas. Seriously, what a game. That is all.

0:45- 73-68 Kansas. Cal elects to foul even though they could have gotten it back with 10+ seconds. Chalmers makes two and it appears Calipari, in the end will have out-incompetented Self.

0:00- 75-68 Kansas. And Kansas is your improbable, unbelievable champ this season. Nantz: "Rock, Chalk, Championship." He came up with this roughly three months ago. It was an amazing finish to a fairly unamazing season of very poor basketball at times. But like it always does, March Madness never fails to disappoint, no matter the circumstances. So thanks Davidson, Western Kentucky, Derrick Rose, Kevin Love, Mario Chalmers and, why not, Kansas. I might not have picked the best year to unload my thoughts and passion for college hoops onto the Intertubes, but, as I expected, it's certainly better than not writing about college basketball.

So One Shining Moment and all that crap, let's wrap this baby up. It's been real.