The SSS 2008 NCAA Tournament Preview For Non-Psychics: Midwest Region

Waxing poetic about how lovely the NCAA Tournament is seems a bit irrelevant at this point. Certainly "One Shining Moment" will provide a sort of grab-bag of sappiness at the end of the whole thing that will you make you go, "Man, I love March Madness," sigh while looking longingly into the middle distance and then go watch The Hills or something. Now is not the time for such nonsense. March Madness is great! Work sucks! Gus Johnson is so exciting! There, that's done with. What we all want right now is objective, cold-hearted analysis on which teams will prevail and how to win your office pools. I wholeheartedly hope you find something like that. Instead I offer my own brand of regional previews, based solely around enjoying the tournament as much as possible. I'd say "Enjoy" but that goes without saying this time of year.

Previously:
East Region
West Region
South Region

Here is your last region, the Midwest. For the record, I've got Louisville, UCLA and Stanford in the Final Four so far. And once again, be sure to check the great Awful Announcing, which has the first round announcers for each game that can be used for Gus Johnson referential purposes regarding this preview.

1st Round Games
1) Kansas vs. 16) Portland State- The Vikings are the best 16 seed this year, a team that has beaten conference runner-ups Akron and Ooey Pooey (IUPUI) this year and lost to UCLA by "just" 21 and Washington State by "just" 12. So for those of you looking for some fancy pants No. 16 over No. 1, perhaps you have found that opportunity. Now you just need Kansas to come down with a rampant case of the gout, which even the most frigid temperatures or unsavory skanks of Omaha could probably not provide. A less debilitating disease may produce a cover of the spread though.

8) UNLV vs. 9) Kent State- A good example of just how mediocre college basketball this year is UNLV. Last year's team, a No. 7 seed, had at least three players that would be the best on this year's squad, a No. 8 seed. Wink Adams, the only holdover from last year's Sweet 16 participant, will have a very entertaining battle with Kent State "star" Al Fisher. Both programs are used to the NCAAs and getting some wins when there. Actually both of these teams are pretty similar overall, especially in that they will both be destroyed by Kansas in the second round.

5) Clemson vs. 12) Villanova- Along with the underdog Temple Owls and St. Joe's Hawks, Villanova remains the god-forsaken city of Philadelphia's best chance of any postseason win in any of the major sports at any level in 15 months. The Sixers, a team that willfully employs Calvin Booth, and the Flyers, a team that plays hockey, would be the best chance if those three Big Five members fail... for the next six months. Think of this when you are watching the games over the next couple days, and pray that the inevitable riot does not spread across all of civilization. I Am Legend.

4) Vanderbilt vs. 13) Siena- This is everyone's big, special upset pick for this year, not necessarily because they know anything about Siena -- or Vandy for that matter -- but because people on TV are talking about it. I still don't understand why no network, in the history of TV, has actually kept track of how well its analysts' picks have done. I mean, I know the reasons why they do not, but it seems unlikely they could continue to get away with it. Let me set the standard: If Siena does not beat Vanderbilt, we boycott any form of televised Bracketeering... and publicly stone Joe Lunardi.

6) USC vs. 11) Kansas State- YESSSS. Even my shallowly snark-filled approach to this tourney cannot muster up some cynicism for this game. In 40 minutes an NBA scout can take care of 30 percent of the 2008 Draft's top ten. And with Wisconsin, Fullerton, Portland State, UNLV and Kent State also playing in Omaha (along with Kansas), the Selection Committee owes at least that much to those scouts. I'm completely lost on whether to consider KSU a good team or not and this smells of one of those games where you pick USC to go the Elite Eight and they get blasted with 40 and 15 from Beasley. Tim Floyd did easily handle a similarly constructed Kevin Durant-led Texas team last year, which didn't even have a Crazy Person for a head coach, so there's that.

3) Wisconsin vs. 14) Cal-State Fullerton- Another of the Selection Committee's sick, twisted jokes (they need to get a hobby or something), the superslow Badgers (306th in pace nationally) will face the ADDirific Titans (15th in pace nationally). Some people think Fullerton can pull this one off and it's not completely insane because of how well they shoot the ball, but CSF's porous defense can make even Wisconsin look like a modern-day team (rumor has it they still practice with peach baskets). The Badgers offense will be so free and loose compared to Big Ten play, well Bo Ryan might just have to Superman a Hoe:


7) Gonzaga vs. 10) Davidson- I'm as pissed as you about the Selection Committee's decision to recreate the BracketBusters tournament, but this is a freaking great basketball game right here. The Zags used to be just like Davidson, a mid-major with a bunch of nonathletic shooters that play smart, rebound and pass well, but have cashed in that success for some fancy All-Americans that have diminished their chemistry and ability to avoid hallucinating and openly weeping. Davidson, on the other hand, has embraced the style of the original Gonzaga, playing big-time non-conference opponents and making frequent tourney trips with a team that's led by a recent spelling bee champion. All kinds of literary themes going on in this one; hopefully the smarties at Davidson can explain them to Heytvelt. Relate it to Harold and Kumar and he'll be fine.

2) Georgetown vs. 15) UMBC- The Retrievers aren't terrible, even though their nickname would suggest such; I don't even think a youth league team would be caught dead wearing a jersey referring to themselves as a highly domesticated animal. UMBC can shoot a little bit and will probably win the turnover battle with a recently reckless Georgetown team. The Hoyas simply cannot put teams away with consistency so the longer the... uh... let's call them the Vampires... the longer the Vampires can keep the score within shouting distance, the longer G'Town will have to exert some of the energy they'll need against a tough Gonzaga or Davidson team two days later. By the way, Nantz and Packer are doing this one so look for plenty of "man's best friend" puns from Nantz and, with John Thompson, Jr. around, plenty of racism from Packer.

To Watch For
Game You Will Really Wish Gus Johnson Was Announcing- One of the more underrated things about Gus is how much he understands basketball. The guy can identify player's tendencies and teams' strengths and weaknesses like few other announcers. That being said, he knows next to nothing about the players, teams, coaches or conferences relevant to that season. For instance, Gus will quickly recognize that Stephen Curry has a quick release and an ability to use a jab step or perfectly use a screen to get a shot off against a bigger opponent and his trusty relationship with point guard Jason Richards, but he'll have to ask his partner how to pronounce Curry's first name. That's why I wish he was doing that Davidson-Gonzaga game, because it'll be like a really knowledgeable basketball fan watching great players like Stephen Curry or Jeremy Pargo or Austin Daye for the first time. And screaming like an insane maniac all the while.

Game You Should Be Thankful Jim Nantz IS NOT Announcing- If the big Hoyas-Retrievers game seems unbearable, just be thankful he isn't doing the USC-Kansas State game. "Hold the Mayo" lines would be flying like crazy and he would certainly accuse Davon Jefferson of trying to steal his wallet.

Thing That Will Get Stuck In Billy Packer's Craw- Oh my goodness, if they give him 30 seconds of air time to talk about USC and Kansas State and all the one-and-doners, he might lose control of his bladder.

Most Ironic Commercial- During that KSU-USC game, any commercial promoting the benefits for student-athletes of a complete college education .

(If you can't tell, I'm really excited for that game.)

Talking Points That Will Make Your Brain Want To Die- Davidson is very similar to how Gonzaga once was. There is a considerable amount of NBA talent in that 6-11 game. OJ Mayo and Bill Walker are friendly acquaintances. Any success by Villanova should be seen as ironic because it barely made the Tournament.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give CBS Execs Creamed Jeans- Davidson-Georgetown in Raleigh. A bunch of smart kids playing in the heart of North Carolina. Hmm, sounds familiar.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give Hoops Fans Creamed Jeans, CBS Execs Flaccidity- Nothing jumps out here but Gonzaga vs. Georgetown would be pretty great, especially because the Zags might have more raw talent. CBS probably wants Mr. Heytvelt out of there ASAP.

Best NBA Prospect- Answer unnecessary.

Best Panamanian Super Liga Prospect- Villanova forward Shane Clark has already put a down payment on a Canal-side home.... with a jetski!

Most Likely Teabagging Scenario- As much as Roy Hibbert seems like a nice young man... I hope Jeremy Pargo puts his balls up in Big Roy's face.... For entertainment purposes of course.

Most Unexpectedly Hot Cheerleaders- Despite their pending doom, I've gotta think the girls from Fullerton leave every other team from this region in the dust. Especially Wisconsin. Their team probably doubles as the shot put squad.

Oh, And The Winner Of The Damn Thing- Kansas should waltz to the Elite Eight, but who they face is anyone's guess. I like USC to advance through because they should match-up against very similar, defensive-minded teams (Wisconsin and Georgetown), but of course will have vastly superior talent (the biggest stylistic problem they will face will be KSU actually). The Trojans just really need to take care of the ball against those two. The Jayhawks only beat USC by four back in December at the Galen Center and I think KU can win another close one and go on to San Antonio.

The SSS 2008 NCAA Tournament Preview For Non-Psychics: South Region

Waxing poetic about how lovely the NCAA Tournament is seems a bit irrelevant at this point. Certainly "One Shining Moment" will provide a sort of grab-bag of sappiness at the end of the whole thing that will you make you go, "Man, I love March Madness," sigh while looking longingly into the middle distance and then go watch The Hills or something. Now is not the time for such nonsense. March Madness is great! Work sucks! Gus Johnson is so exciting! There, that's done with. What we all want right now is objective, cold-hearted analysis on which teams will prevail and how to win your office pools. I wholeheartedly hope you find something like that. Instead I offer my own brand of regional previews, based solely around enjoying the tournament as much as possible. I'd say "Enjoy" but that goes without saying this time of year.

Previously:
East Region
West Region

This here is the South. I'm gonna do the Midwest this afternoon or for tomorrow morning. I still haven't filled out my "serious" brackets yet, so we'll see.

By the way, Awful Announcing has the first round announcers for each game, so check that out for Gus Johnson referential purposes in this preview.

1st Round Games
1) Memphis vs. 16) Texas-Arlington- John Calipari might be the one coach in America that could convince me to pick his team for the Final Four even if I had no intentions to do so. Every interview I have seen or read with him is either some serious politicking or some serious car salesman shtick. "We made 75 percent of our foul shots in the C-USA tournament." "We would have been the No. 1 overall seed if we made a two-footer against Tennessee." "Before this tournament, my team only used their feet to go from their house to the grocery store."

8) Mississippi State vs. 9) Oregon- This is my favorite 8-9 game because I think both teams could give Honest John and his Tigers a scare in Round 2. It's a tough one to pick because you have Oregon's highly efficient, perimeter-oriented, sweet shooting offense against the Bulldogs great defense, anchored by Jarvis Varnado protecting the rim. So let's ask Digger Phelps what he thinks:

"When you look at Mississippi State and Oregon, I think you gotta talk about Lamont Gordon. He's got size when you look at the point guard position.... Charles Rhodes..... And, when you look at Oregon.... can this team play well enough to get it done and get to the next round?... Shooting the ball from the three point line, dribble the ball, try to keep the other team from scoring... I think Mississippi State can get it done, Why?... Look for them to scare Memphis in the next round.... Ben Hansbrough."

Thanks Digger.

5) Michigan State vs. 12) Temple- This is a real interesting game between Temple, which didn't really start playing basketball until the last month and Michigan State, which changes the sport it plays from game to game. Temple, and its two-man scoring attack of Mark Tyndale and Dionte Christmas, can win this game if they don't get killed on the glass. Meanwhile, the Spartans have lost to Penn State, scored 36 in a GAME against Iowa and lost to a D-II school in the preseason. But they also beat Indiana by 30 two weeks ago. Drew Neitzel, the preseason SSS Most Hated White Guy, hasn't been good enough to hate all season long but showed some real signs of punchability in the Big Ten tourney. I just pray he got a barb wire tattoo to reward himself or maybe a spoiler for his Hyundai. Then all will be well.

4) Pittsburgh vs. 13) Oral Roberts- For those of you jumping blindly onto the Pitt bandwagon, fear this game. "Oral," as sick, twisted rich white men will undoubtedly call them jokingly ("I picked Pitt but my wife picked Oral! Haha (high fives). Let's go punch some poor people!"), has more size than the Panthers on the front line, and use that size to anchor a strong defense. I know Pitt just beat Georgetown, Louisville and Marquette, but it also was crushed by West Virginia and needed a miracle to beat Syracuse just a week or two earlier. If they don't get that absurd free throw advantage they got in the Big East tourney (and ORU is one of the better teams in the nation at not sending opponents to the line), Bob Knight's senility-induced champion pick could have some trouble.

6) Marquette at 11) Kentucky- I'm starting to like this Marquette team and I'm not sure why anyone (read: Digger Phelps) thinks Kentucky can win without Patrick Patterson. The Golden Eagles used to win games by simply forcing opponents to assault the backboard more violently than them (or by just having Dwyane Wade), but this year, they suddenly have multiple scoring options in Dominic James, Jerel McNeal, Lazar Heyward, Wes Mathews and Maurice Acker. And on a completely unrelated note, has anyone else noticed that Hubert Davis, once a legitimately interesting and entertaining analyst, has recently adopted Digger's analysis style? Everything is, "When you look at" and "When you talk about" and then he just turns an entire analysis into an incoherent run-on sentence with random non sequiturs of players names and cliched aspects of the game. (I mean, look at this and tell me Hubert hasn't been doing the same thing but with just less Alzheimer's... I've been watching way too much ESPN this week.)

3) Stanford at 14) Cornell- Man! These schools are so smart! It's like the Selection Committee did this on purpose! Are they going to decide this game with a spelling bee!? Are the players going to study for finals on the bench?! Are the alumni going to be able to take off from Congress to watch the game?!
/sorry

7) Miami vs. 10) St. Mary's- The most boring 7-10 match-up of the tourney in an otherwise outstanding region as far as entertaining basketball goes, both teams come into the game in a slump and little chance of advancing to the second weekend. So why even play the game, you ask? Well because Gaels' freshman point Patty Mills is from Australia and CBS needs to use that fancy graphic with the facts about Australia and references to Survivor in more than just the Vanderbilt game. Everyone wins. Sorta.

2) Texas vs. 15) Austin Peay- For those of you who like small ball, this is the game for you. Texas' 6-9 Connor Atchley is going to feel like Kenny George in this game with the Governors sporting zero regular rotation players over 6-5. This is one of those weird 5:00 p.m. ET games that occurs in the purgatory between the early games and the primetime games. You know, where people stumble out of the sports bars and wander the streets like zombies looking for something, anything, as exciting as the basketball they just watched. This is where you have people cheering for car crashes or for someone to get mugged in front of them. Then they look down at their bracket and realize they had "Texas." At which point it's time to go home. God I love March Madness.

To Watch For
Game You Should Really Want Gus Johnson Announcing- Like I said yesterday, we already know which games Gus is doing, but it's fun to dream, right? Besides the Temple-Michigan State game ("And Christmas has come early for Dionte and the Owls!!! AHHHHHHHH!") and the Pitt-Oral Roberts game ("And the Oral feels so good!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!"... notice the absolutely crucial but simple difference between him and Nantz? It's "AHHHHHH!!!!!") I'd like Gus to do the Texas-Austin Peay game for the chance to hear him scream Austin PEAYYYYYYY in an exuberant manner, just to see what it ends up sounding like.

Game You Should Be Thankful Jim Nantz IS NOT Announcing- Again, Nantz is doing the Raleigh games with UNC and Georgetown. But I cannot even fathom the complete and utter lameness with which he would call that Stanford-Cornell game. He'd probably just start talking about sailing and making fun of homeless people out of familiarity of his surroundings. Plus there will be tens of Lopez twin-related puns ("Stanford and the Lopez twins: twice as nice!")

Thing That Will Get Stuck In Billy Packer's Craw- I can guarantee Packer is downright furious that St. Mary's got in, but has no problem whatsoever with Kentucky making the field.

Most Ironic Commercial- Those completely incoherent IBM consulting commercials will look like a Miller Lite ad to those interested in the Stanford/Cornell game.

Talking Points That Will Make Your Brain Want To Die- Memphis' free throw shooting will doom them. Kentucky was once not as successful this season as they presently are. Texas will be playing the regionals in a place considerably closer to campus than others.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give CBS Execs Creamed Jeans- Pittsburgh vs. Michigan State would be a massive collection of sludge to watch, but for some reason CBS loves coaches, especially Tom Izzo. And they would have the guy they once shunned but now love because they need bloggers and Internet writers to tell them what normal people actually like, Gus Johnson, overseeing the Izzo/Dixon lovefest. (Don't let them get you, Gus, please don't.)

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give Hoops Fans Creamed Jeans, CBS Execs Flaccidity- I can't recall a team that has been so good recently that has received so little national media attention as Oregon. Less than 5 percent of the population knows that the Ducks were very close to making the Final Four last year and have been to the Elite Eight twice in the past five years. This year, they have one of the most efficient, exciting offenses in the nation and most talking heads were incensed they got in the tournament. Well I want to see them play Memphis really badly because it would be a fast-paced, insanely athletic festival of scoring and because the Ducks shoot the ball so much better than Memphis, could be an upset.

Best NBA Prospect- Brook Lopez and Derrick Rose should go No. 2 and No. 3 respectively, behind Michael Beasley, if both enter this year's draft. And it really shouldn't be disputed.

Best Taiwan League A Prospect- St. Mary's center Omar Samhan is already being hailed the next "King of Taipei".... but only in closed circles for fear of Communist backlash from China.

Most Likely Teabagging Scenario- Derrick Rose hasn't really broken one off yet this year. Nothing like the Mavericks of Texas-Arlington to cure what ails ya.

Most Unexpectedly Hot Cheerleaders- Although there might not be any sun up in the Pacific Northwest, it appears there are certainly tanning salons and other reasons for obscenely attractive females to attend school there. For more on the Oregon cheerleaders go to the possibly great, most certainly criminal in some way or another, Pac-10 Poon.

Oh, And The Winner Of The Damn Thing- It's going to be tough for Memphis to just get to the regional finals, but I think they will have one of those Ohio State type runs where they look like crap for awhile and then barely avoid upset. In the bottom half, a Texas-Stanford Sweet 16 game would be incredibly awesome. I think Brook Lopez is going to be the breakout star of this tournament. I'll go against the Houston thing and take Stanford to meet Memphis, play a zone with the Lopez twins making any points in the paint impossible, force the Tigers to shoot threes, get Dorsey in foul trouble and the Cardinal will be a surprise Final Four team.

Hooray For Links! March 10

I was never a big proponent of doing link dumps and the like on this site because, well, it didn't really make sense to me. Why would I simply reproduce things that are already out there? But as I did my own scouring of the Intertubes for college hoops content, I realized there was just too much quality (and, at times, utterly awful) stuff out there to simply leave untapped. So I give you Hooray For Links! which should appear at completely random intervals. Because without links, it's not really a blog, it's just a place to put thoughts I might not want to forget.

Them links be after the jump.
Continue...

First off, I was gonna do one of these last week but didn't get around to it so if any of these are old news or have already been determined as uninteresting, I apologize.

- The new Deadspin Media Approval Ratings have been very interesting, especially the results surrounding some college hoops folk. Here they are:

Doug Gottlieb: 44.3%
Billy Packer: 9.5%
Gus Johnson: 90.4%
Erin Andrews: 95.2%
Mike Patrick: 47.8%

It's worth mentioning that ESPN is known for infiltrating these polls when they involve one of their people, which could be why the derisive Gottlieb is near 50 percent (despite being a bully) and the brain-dead Patrick is above 3 percent. Obviously the 5 percent that disapproves of Andrews are women and the 10 percent that disapproves Gus are deaf (my feelings on him are well-documented). Billy Packer's 9.5% was provided solely by the Nantz family.

- Speaking of Gottlieb, USA Today did a feature on him for no apparent reason whatsoever, except to give an already hefty ego and even greater boost. I think Gottlieb is a pretty smart guy and definitely is one of the smarter ESPN hoops analysts. But the way he presents his opinions in that pompous, I'm-the-voice-of-reason-in-college-hoops, I-think-Tom Brennan-is-a-huge-douche type of way, not to mention a completely boring way with no sense of humor (like Brennan), is just unnecessary. I've said this before but he's like one of those guys on the message boards that happens to know more than everyone else and wants them all to know it. Anyway, the feature was an absolute puff piece, barely mentions the credit card thing at Notre Dame or many of his controversial statements. It also contains no sources from Gottlieb detractors, only speaking with his family and co-workers. But read it if you want a reason to dislike Doug Gottlieb some more.

- Dana O'Neill at ESPN.com continues to crank out outstanding pieces in her first few months on the job. This one on Michael Beasley, perhaps the 20th I've read on him, is probably the best look into Beasley's life and mind that has been written. Beasley comes off as a pretty intelligent, thoughtful guy, especially when speaking about the true impact of being a really freaking good 19-year-old basketball player.

"I'm still a kid; I'm still irresponsible and I want to still be irresponsible sometimes," Beasley said as the fans circled behind him. "When I go to the NBA, that's over. My life is America's life. LeBron James gets a speeding ticket, the cop goes on with his day and LeBron is all over 'SportsCenter.' Britney Spears shaves her head, it's everywhere. You shave your hair, who cares? That's why I'm not sure I'm ready for the NBA.

"I mean, what's being famous anyway? It's a popularity contest. Don't get me wrong. I'm lucky. I love my life, but I just don't understand it. I brush my teeth with the same Crest. I use the same bar of soap. My house gets junky just like yours. I'm just a regular guy who can play basketball. I'm normal."

Nah dude, I use Colgate. And unlike the Gottlieb piece, O'Neill confronts Beasley on Dalonte Hill, Bob Huggins and all the weirdness around his recruitment. He acknowledged that he's only at KSU because of Hill but said Frank Martin's head coach position is legitimate. I disagree, but whatever, I can't drop 44 in a Big 12 game.

- Speaking of Kansas State, Big Sexy Jason Whitlock weighs in on the squad and its recent struggles. And wouldn't you know it, Mr. Whitlock has something critical to say. He calls out the fans, Crazy Person Frank Martin's sideline antics and the sulking so often seen from the young guys (not sure I agree on this). Whitlock's a great writer so it's worth a read but don't expect to be smiling when you're done reading.

- I've written a bit on Philadelphia hoops phenom, the as yet unsigned Tyreke Evans. The New York Times decided to do the same and turns in a good feature on the completely ridiculous amount of hoopla surrounding his senior season.

- Kevin Love. John Wooden. Outlet passes. And Brent Musberger gets his first erection in years.
/shudders


- I Loooovveeeee The Drake around here and given the Bulldogs complete destruction of the Missouri Valley, I link this column from ESPN.com's Pat Forde from a couple weeks ago on just how much he too, loves the Drake.

- Patrick Patterson may be coming back to school next year... according to his Facebook page.

- The blinding brilliance of Kissing Suzy Kolber and Big Daddy Drew applies itself to college hoops and Coach K (via Deadspin). And all is right with the world.

- What dreams of made of.


- You've probably heard by now that Lil Romeo is going to USC on a basketball scholarship. You've probably considered how ridiculous this is. The Wall Street Journal would like to confirm how ridiculous this is... as would Tim Floyd. Apparently this is just a package deal with DeMar DeRozan, who is apparently really freaking good and tight with Romeo. Obviously everyone at USC denies that.

- This post at FreeDarko on Mike Dunleavy and his days at Duke, where he recorded a video with a campus comedy group, might be completely useless or awe-inspiringly awesome. Decide for yourself. A teaser: Dunleavy plays Death in Stratego.

- Your obligatory Erin Andrews item.

- Never have I been more excited after a college basketball play than I was after Kristof Ongenaet's steal/crossover/posterizing of Marquette Saturday. I'm assuming that is what people felt like after Jason McElwain made all of those threes.

Your Obligatory "March Madness Has Begun" Post

I've been looking for a video of this, with the completely insane announcer to go along with it of course, since it happened a couple nights ago but to no avail. Thankfully, the man, the myth, the legend that is Dan Steinberg (Go Blue Hens!) at the DC Sports Bog got it, apparently from Sports By Brooks and Awful Announcing. So basically you can now go anywhere on the Internets and find this gem.

Anyway, it's March and I suppose this constitutes Madness and I guess we can all feel a little safer now that basketball like this is back to take our lives over. Last year, I think we had to wait until the MAC Final with Miami of Ohio beating Akron with a bank three at the buzzer for that March Madness Is Here moment so I guess the college hoops groundhog saw his shadow (or something).

Oh and I'm assuming this would not be possible without... THIS.


Yes I'd say I'm sufficiently ready for March Madness to begin.

Gus Johnson Grants Access to His Mind, Lives Changed

First off, BREAKING NEWS ALERT: Gus Johnson, according to the
fucking man himself, will broadcast the first FOUR rounds of March Madness this year, after doing just two last year when the excruciating, non-enraptured James Brown took his gig.

Second, BREAKING NEWS ALERT: On Gus' Web site, Gus Johnson Sports, you can now get Gus Johnson ring tones! Gus Tones, they are called and apparently he uses his signature voice to announce that your favorite team in any sport (including soccer) has won the championship. There aren't that many up right now but, trust me on this, they are absolutely stunning. I've always longed for Gus to be a bigger part of my life and now my day has come.

The news came on Bill Simmons podcast today, of which Gus was the guest. Say what you want about Simmons, but he started the whole Gus movement on the Interwebs, a deed that Gus himself thanked Simmons for firsthand.

As for the podcast, depending on who you are, it is utterly fascinating or completely incoherent. For me, it was like peering into the Bucket of Truth, 40 minutes of sheer brilliance from one of the great oppressed minds of our generation. Gus, who is riding in a cab for most of the conversation and then picks up his kids who are screaming in the background (they have Gus' own golden throat, too), graces us with his entire career trajectory, a story that begins humbly, but as we know ends in greatness:


Highlights from the podcast after the jump.

Continue...

On the Knicks: "They have no chemistry. Like I don't know if they like each other, they don't hang out with each other, they don't drink beers with each other, they don't go chase girls with each other, they don't go to clubs with each other. They don't have one sun to orbit around, it's a bunch of different planets in their own rotation instead of having one planet, one personality, one light, that one leader, they don't have leadership man. They don't have that one guy that everyone orbits around. A guy that keeps everything nice and cool and warm."

"They need to talk to each other, it's all about communication. We as guys sometimes, because we have these big egos, this macho crap, sometimes we need to take a page from the girls and sit down and have a conversation and talk about what's going on and how we can improve our interpersonal relationships-- you have a good day too sir-- I'm getting out of a New York City cab."

Moments later: "Can I get a receipt? We know how these guys are, they'll take you on a ride if they can."

On Marbury, invites Simmons to Coney Island: "When you come into the city and you get a chance, I'm going to take you over there. To those projects over there in Coney Island. You gotta see that Billy. Nobody cares when you're over there and in order to get out of there you have to have a selfishness about yourself."

On whether he would want to play w/Marbury: "Yeah I would. He's a dope basketball player... If I played with Stephon Marbury I'd be his big cheerleader, but at the same time I'd be hard on him. I'd be like, hey man, me and you need to go in the back and fight because you're not playing right. We need to back in there and just knuckle up because you are way too talented." (Simmons laughs... Gus does not).

On David Lee: "My favorite player on the Knicks is David Lee. When he's on the floor, my nickname for him is Mr. Good Things, because good things happen when he is on the floor. He's unselfish, he knows how to pass the ball... When he's on the floor they play better, which is ironic because they got all these brothas on the team and David Lee is the only white guy on the team. I see him by himself a lot. It's a hard fit. He told me one time, 'Listen man, I kinda understand what it's like to be the only black guy in a white office.'"

At this point he explains how he played baseball in college ("I couldn't run, I was the slowest black dude of all time"), was a political science major, worked at a law office, decided it was too hard and stumbled upon a broadcasting internship by complete luck. Gus Johnson, man of destiny. He then rifles off all his past broadcasting gigs.

On Huntsville, Alabama: "Worst period of my life. They renamed me AC Johnson because there was another guy, a sportscaster, named Gus. They had a rebel flag on the morning show set."

On his excitement: "I had a chance to take some acting classes and what a teacher told me was you have to, with each line, be able to raise the stakes, to build drama. Conflict equals drama. Identify the conflicts in the game to build them up to make a dramatic moment, once it pops! I don't care who is playing, me and you could play one on one and there could be some things happening and I'm calling the game, there's gonna be some things that happen that bring conflict. Once that conflict is there, we got drama. Say I foul you hard or you give me an elbow and you see on my face, 'Oh, this guy elbowed me, I'm about to go mess him up now.'"

"I love ball man. I love games, I love games that people play. I think the games people play tells us a lot about ourselves. I look at this Knick team. They tell us a lot about a dark side of us as human beings, about our selfishness, our insecurities, our inability to connect with each other on the most basic of levels."

On Internet popularity: "I'm so thankful to you Bill, I don't know why you chose me. You helped change my life. I gotta give it up to you. You helped me in my life. You brought light to me and my work and it's changed my life, you and your fans. Because of the positive things that have been said through the Bill Simmons nation has turned a lot of heads. Hey guys, I really, REALLY appreciate it."

On Simmons' suggestion that he announce Survivor: "Oh I would love to call Survivor. That's a great show but that needs to be amped up some more, there needs to be some conflict going on in that thing... That would be cool! That's a great idea. I kinda like that."

On an alternate Survivor: "You know I had a great idea for Survivor where you take all those cats, those same kind of cats, that same demographic of the actress girl and the grungy lady and the military dude and the cowboy and you take them, and instead of taking them to some remote island, you take them and put them in like, the middle of Cabrini Green, or the worst project in the country. Then we'd really see if they can survive. They have some hell of challenges then."