The Big East All Ugly Team

My dad's shortlived phase as a basketball fan reached its peak in the early to mid-Eighties, which coincided with the emergence of the Big East as a national power. Things were different then. There were fewer teams, none of which were C-USA transplants or cupcakes like Rutgers or South Florida, the rivalries were storied, heated, NBA-level battles because players hung around for more than a year and there were no pesky NCAA regulations forcing players into archaic practices like taking classes and paying for things. It was a grand time.

Anyway, my grandfather was a Syracuse grad and a family allegiance toward the Orange, eventually passed onto me, was born around this time. My father raved of Pearl Washington's heroics, his hatred of Chris Mullin and his attendance at the 1981 triple OT championship game between Syracuse and Villanova that jumpstarted a lifetime of disdain for the Cats and a storied history of basketball for the conference. But perhaps my favorite story from the Big East's early years had nothing to do with the history of the conference. The Big East All-Ugly Team.

My father and his friends would vote on the team every year. A collection of the most hideous mugs from their beloved league. It was a bar conversation in theory but, in spirit, a tribute to the rough-and-tumble league that saw freaks of nature (athletically and aesthetically) do battle every night under a, let's just say, loose interpretation of the rulebook. Extra points were given to particularly villainous players, who, if they happened to own a mug of fugliness, were shown no mercy. Because there is nothing more exciting than disgracing your least favorite player by pointing out his insecurities. Staples of the annual team included Chris Mullin, a McDonald's fryolator operator who never missed a jumper, Patrick Ewing, who looked like he could be John Thompson's father (in short shorts) and, later, Rony Seikaly, who often looked like a cross between Gheorge Muresan and an unemployed stand-in for a Godfather-era James Caan (although he is somehow married to this).

So, for nostalgic purposes, and with the conference play beginning New Year's Day, I thought I would revisit the Big East All Ugly Team. The league sure has changed over time but that doesn't necessarily mean it hasn't gotten uglier. First, a disclaimer. All players were judged on ugliness and unlikability. You aren't going to pick on the benchwarmer who happens to also be grotesque. That's just wrong. No, you are going to make fun of the bastions of deformity that kill your favorite team but, because of their on-court talent, probably still enjoy a prolific and hazardous sex life for reasons pertaining solely to celebrity, riches and a high-profile, in spite of their circus-like features. Those guys are just assholes.

This year was probably tougher than past seasons would have been. There are no Pittsnogles, no Biguses, no Aaron Grays. But with 16 teams, I knew there was a leper colony in there somewhere. The 2007-2008 Big East All Ugly Team, after the jump.
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Eric Devendorf, Syracuse
I feel bad putting Devendorf on the list because of his recent misfortunes, which derailed my favorite team, but man, look at that guy. Not only does his chinstrap ensure that he has tinted windows on his Hyundai, but he is covered in tattoos that seem to be necessary only for Tupac or extremely forgetful people. Syracuse fans have had their problems with Devo's shot "selection" and turnovers but we are generally mourning the loss of some, any, experience and ballhandling he had provided. White collar, sweater vest wearers in lower level seats across the Big East, however, celebrated in the streets when Devo's knee popped as they now feel safe bringing their impressionable children to games, Eminem posters and pocket knives be damned.
Looks Like: Kevin Pittsnogle, if he wasn't from West Virginia and listened to rap.


Luke Harangody, Notre Dame
He was an easy target, mainly because he had two 20 and 10 games against my Orange last year and, since he looks like an offensive lineman from the 60s, infuriates fans across the league for his unexpected talent. From his hair to his waist, he is shaped as no human should be shaped, let alone a basketball player. And to make matters worse, despite being a student at Notre Dame, the picture on the right doesn't make me confident that he will be penning any sonnets or filling any test tubes in the near future. I've never watched a Notre Dame game without someone laughing and making an acerbic comment on his flat-top, the mark of a true champion of ugliness.
Looks Like: That guttural lineman in The Waterboy crossed with Guile from Street Fighter.


Levance Fields, Pittsburgh
His late-game heroics against the hated Dukies almost knocked him off this list due to enhanced likability but big shots aside, the roly-poly Fields remains yet another obnoxious Pitt guard. His braids appear to be holding the contents of his body (likely nougat) inside, with his headband providing added security from potential seam-busting. When he jumps around the court following a particularly big basket, there is nothing but that headband preventing a Ghostbusters-like catastrophe.
Looks Like: Khalid El-Amin crossed with, well, Khalid El-Amin.


Jamie Smalligan, West Virginia
I don't really know much about this guy, but he gets decent minutes for West Virginia and, by my count, is the only bald player in the Big East (as Larry David astutely points out, people who shave their head are not members of the bald community), so not only should he be mentioned on this team, but should probably be given a Medal of Honor. Any man, especially one occasionally on national TV, who doesn't go to extreme measures to hide his baldness is a courageous man. I haven't seen Smalligan play much, but I would assume, in accordance with the Bald Man Basketball Player Creed, he passes the ball well, dribbles exclusively with one hand, boxes out exceptionally, can make "jump" shots when completely and utterly wide open and will generally be the only player who cares to dive on the floor, usually when it's absolutely unnecessary. He will also manage to find his way into any argument over rules or a foul call and will be wholeheartedly ignored in said disputes.
Looks Like: Toby from The Office crossed with this badass.

Kentrell Gransberry, South Florida
As an example of the weak field this year, Gransberry, a likable and only moderately unbecoming player, makes the list. Gransberry has lost some weight over his career but still looks like he ate Orlando Pace. He's put up some outstanding numbers over the past couple seasons, surely earning him some "How the hell is that guy killing us?!" responses from fans (or as I like to call it, The Aaron Gray Effect) and causing disdain amongst fans is a key prerequisite for this amazing honor.
Looks Like: Grimace crossed with the Western Kentucky mascot, except neither purple nor red.

So that's this year's team. Not the strongest squad in the league's history but certainly ghastly enough to shoulder the burden of Big East fans' angst and aggression. If I missed anyone or there are bench players too disgusting to be ignored, be sure to let me know, I'd like to leave no stone unturned... especially if a hideous creature lives under those stones.

As If It Wasn't Hard Enough to Watch

I was going to write my thoughts on last night's big Memphis-USC game because it was an interesting game in terms of the big picture of college hoops and there were not two but three, 2008 lottery picks (do NOT sleep on Davon Jefferson). But I've been reminded this morning why I don't write game summaries or recaps on this site: Because they are fucking EVERYWHERE. In case you want your mind to be overcome by Roses and Mayos and Triangle-and-Twos and Floyds and Caliparis and Dickie Vs and Jimmy Vs and Sloppiness and Slothiness, here are your Memphis-USC recaps. Choose your weapon wisely.

Luke Winn at SI.com- "Man that game was sloppy, Rose and Mayo are pretty good, but not in that game, man that OJ Mayo is popular."

Gary Parrish at CBS Sportsline- "Man that game was sloppy, those guys couldn't even shoot! How bout that triangle and two! Jeez!"

Someone named Heather Dinich at ESPN.com- "Man that game was sloppy, Rose and Mayo were pretty inconsistent, but they are still great! John Calipari was certainly perplexed."

Mike DeCourcy at Sporting News- "Man that game was sloppy, Memphis really got a test though and USC showed a lot, how bout that triangle and two! Jeez!"

The freaking Chicago Tribune(?!)- "Man that game was sloppy, the Rose-Mayo showdown could've been better, but this isn't about individuals!"

The AP- "Man that game was sloppy, Calipari even said so! Those teams couldn't even shoot! But at least it was close!"

The New York Times- "Man that game was sloppy, it was all slow and stuff, Mayo and Rose didn't even play that well!"

And so on and so on and so on... That doesn't even include the avalanche of local coverage in Memphis and LA which probably said the same exact thing. It's almost like they were afraid to give a different perspective for a game with so much hype because it wouldn't have been obvious enough. "Everyone was excited for the game, the game wasn't too exciting, can there be an easier storyline?!" I thought the hype leading up to the game was justified and that it was actually a pretty entertaining game with great defense, great coaching, an unselfish, team-oriented approach from Rose and Mayo and two talented, young teams trying to fight through bad shooting, little time for preparation, some not-quite-there-yet chemistry and the pressure from all the hype to get a tough, important win. But where I thought Rose and Mayo would prove bigger than the game, it turned out to be two guys with even bigger profiles and egos that put their names on the marquee, John Calipari and Tim Floyd.

But um, yeah, I'm not going to talk about the game or anything.

Biggest Controversy... According to Billy Packer: The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

Today: Biggest Controversy... According to Billy Packer
Previously:
Least Obnoxious Coach: Tony Bennett, Washington State
Most Hated White Guy Award: Drew Neitzel, Michigan State
Most Annoying Announcer (Non Vitale Division): Jim Nantz, CBS
Most Scandalous Program: Kansas State

Continue...

It's an annual tradition. As reliable as the leaves changing color, tax day, Gus Johnson capturing the hearts of millions. Billy Packer will be pissed off at something, anything, on Selection Sunday. Sometimes it's been as simple as a Bubble team being snubbed or a certain squad being seeded too high, but often it's Packer grasping at something out of thin air, interjecting himself into the national hoops picture and bringing the grinning idiot Jim Nantz along for the ride. Shall we run through Packer's list of offenses? I say yes...
1979- Criticizes Larry Bird and Indiana State's 1 seed and No. 1 overall ranking in the NCAAs. They proceed to make it to the championship game.

1996- Calls Allen Iverson, my favorite athlete of all-time, a "tough monkey" and somehow doesn't get got by Iverson's posse or mine.

2000- Allegedly said the following to some Duke fans before a game: "Since when do we let women control who gets into a men's basketball game? Why don't you go find a women's game to let people into?" To his credit, it's not like any of the pipsqueaks at Duke we're going retaliate. The bleachers there probably look like a middle school dance.

2004- Lambasted St. Joe's getting a 1 seed out of the A-10 after they lost to Xavier in the first game of the conference tournament. Was confronted by Phil Martelli on air and got into one of those old, bald guy shouting matches, reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men where they just yell non sequitirs about which war they were in and how much Coke cost when they were a teenager.

2005- Was booed upon receiving some kind of lifetime achievement award at the ACC Tournament. United bitter ACC fans in hatred against him.

2006- Got all crotchety about mid-majors making the tournament over power conference teams leading everyone to assume that Packer doesn't know how to use an iPod and thinks Sophia Loren is still the hottest piece of ass around. Picked on the CAA and MVC, saying that neither leagues had done anything in recent tournaments. Bradley and Wichita State make the Sweet 16, Mason goes to the Final Four. He and Nantz didn't admit they were wrong and Craig Littlepage punked them for it.

2007- This occurred.

Now, everyone with an internet connection and permanent residence in their parents' basement has written the Billy Packer Has Got to Go Column. It's everywhere, specifically, here, here, here, here, and... well you get the picture. When I want to hate on Packer, I'll just think of this piece from Kissing Suzy Kolber and interject him as the speaker. Seems about right. Oh and from JoeSportsFan, this is just outstanding, so I'll browse that too. But I'm not here to add to the anti-Packer content. No, it is in my interest to simply predict what will piss off Packer this year, so we can all brace ourselves for his idiocy and also this year's batch of Fire Packer columns.

He's got the bigotry angle covered, I don't think he'll go to that well again. He clearly hates mid-majors, no need to elaborate there, plus it could be a down year for those mongrels anyway. I'm actually thinking the selection committee gets a pass this year. So what is left? Ah yes, I know, the perfect foil to an old senile man's otherwise peaceful march to death...

Whippersnappers!
Yes, the freshmen. With their lawn-trespassing, flawless colons and steady urine streams. These punks have taken over the game that Packer loves so dear with those brazen crossover dribbles, "jump" shots and diverse ethnic backgrounds. Last year, the first under David Stern's NBA age-minimum, the freshmen impact hit Packer like a punch in the stomach (well, not really, a punch in the stomach would turn his intestines to dust). If he knew the likes of Kevin Durant and Greg Oden would come in and dominate a game that clearly takes a minimum of five decades and a maximum 12-inch vertical leap to perfect, he would've challenged Stern to a duel, just like his old pal Aaron Burr. But this year Packer is prepared. Come Selection Sunday he'll be plenty cantankerous over these kids coming in, ravishing the game and leaving after one year. Before getting married no less!

So when Derrick Rose and Memphis or Eric Gordon and Indiana get their top seeds in the Tourney, Packer will unleash a diatribe on the youth of America that would make Andy Rooney quiver in his warmly-packed adult diapers. Every freshmen will be called out for bastardizing the game, ruining the longevity of programs across the country, making a mockery of a college education and... and... stealing! Those filthy little sneaks, don't they have their own teams?! Then Memphis and Indiana will go to the Final Four and Packer will expound on the veteran leadership of both squads, even as Gordon puts up 30 per game and Rose averages a triple-double. And in Billy Packer's mind, he will still rule the college hoops universe and all future freshmen will be treated as Satan's minions sent to ruin the purity of the game that consumes his life. Well, except the white ones. He's got no problems with white people. So, uh, Go UCLA! Go Duke! hehe...


I hate that man.

ACC vs. Big Ten! For All the Marbles! (Well, Not Really, But Still)

I'll admit it, when the Big Ten/ACC Challenge was originally announced I thought it would be pretty awesome. UNC vs. Indiana! Duke vs. Michigan State! Dickie V trying to decide between Tom Izzo and Coach K's nuts!

But then when they actually started playing the games, I quickly realized, it was the entire Big Ten against the entire ACC. More like, Virginia Tech vs. Northwestern. Miami vs. Minnesota. Fran Frischilla flirting with Doris Burke (chills). The only game of any real interest to me is UNC at Ohio State and that's only to see Hansbrough v. Koufos in the white guy post battle to end all white guy post battles.

It became clear that the real winner wasn't being decided on the court because the best of the best weren't playing each other (my idea is that the teams play each other based on the previous year's finish in the conference standings i.e. ACC champ vs. Big Ten champ, ACC runner-up vs. Big Ten runner-up, etc., but it'll never happen). So in order to decide who is really the better conference, we examine some other factors using an old blogger stand-by, the always-reliable Tale of the Tape. Here are this year's match-ups, for referential purposes.

Monday, Nov. 26
7:00 p.m. ESPN2 Wake Forest at Iowa

Tuesday, Nov. 27
7:00 p.m. ESPN Georgia Tech at Indiana
7:30 p.m. ESPN2 Minnesota at Florida State
7:00 p.m. ESPNU Northwestern at Virginia
9:00 p.m. ESPN Wisconsin at Duke
9:30 p.m. ESPN2 Purdue at Clemson

Wednesday, Nov. 28
7:00 p.m. ESPN N.C. State at Michigan State
7:30 p.m. ESPN2 Illinois at Maryland
7:00 p.m. ESPNU Boston College at Michigan
9:00 p.m. ESPN North Carolina at Ohio State
9:30 p.m. ESPN2 Virginia Tech at Penn State

The tale, after the jump.

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Women
This category needs a disclaimer. The logical way to do this would be to compare the ever-popular Girls of the ____ Playboy issues for the respective conferences but I found this would be inaccurate. Those issues depict a very small demographic of a conference, the "Above Average Looking Complete Skank" bracket. If you saw most of these girls on campus you would have no interest in seeing them naked but if they so happen to appear naked in front of you, it is much obliged. They have enough girl next door appeal to make this issue seem cool enough ("Hey, she's in my econ class! And she's got weird nipples!") but the fact that they pose nude in Playboy for a free sweatshirt at the book store makes them too skanky to pursue. It's a tiresome conundrum. I'm looking for the common Big Ten or ACC woman.

Big Ten- The only Big Ten school I've ever been to is Penn State. But I've been there a lot and hear it is at least in the top three in the conference in poon. Color me unimpressed. By sheer volume, it should be teeming with acceptable trim. But hot girls hate cold weather because it's not too attractive to wear booty shorts on top of long johns. Plus the 8 days of sunlight State College receives per year does little for springtime tanning. I've been to Michigan State once and it's the same way. And if you've never been to Western PA, or Michigan, finding a girl who doesn't hunt wild game, hasn't had sex on a tractor or isn't addicted to oxycontin is like finding a needle in a haystack (which those girls are surprisingly good at doing). I'll assume the others are just as dismal.

ACC- My experience includes UNC, Virginia and Maryland. Virginia is outstanding. Southern accents, dresses, actual sunlight and a tuition just high enough to ensure both a full collection of teeth and the absence of inbreeding. Maryland, not so much. Just north enough to attract New Yorkers, Pennsylvanians and, gasp, people from Jersey. UNC, somewhere in the middle. For location, it's right in the wheelhouse of East Coast choiceness and the girls are rich enough to utilize some elite DNA (and if that fails, plastic surgery) but the academic standards are too high to weed out the nerds. Not only do they ruin the curve in class but bring down the collective bootyliciousness of the whole campus.

Advantage: ACC. The Florida schools outweigh the fugliness of BC and I don't even want to see what type of beasts they have at Minnesota.


Tradition
Big Ten- Lots of it. Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State form a tripod of dense frat boy sexual frustration manifested in epithets, bar fights, immature pranks and prosecutable assault. That's mostly in sports besides basketball though. But, Indiana carries the load for the hardcourt. On the downside, schools like Minnesota and Northwestern have never been good at anything that matters ever.

ACC- UNC-Duke is great and all but it's become as bastardized as Yanks-Sox. The media attention and mainstream appeal has stripped the regional feel and shifted the focus toward factors that North Carolinians don't even care about (namely Coach K and Roy Williams). If Dane Cook ever gets on board, we are finished. Plus the Big East defectors have changed the landscape a bit. I still forget BC is in the ACC sometimes.

Advantage- Big Ten. Duke lacrosse's tradition of rape doesn't help either.



People to Love
Big Ten- The Fab Five, Kosta Koufos, Eric Gordon (I'm not an Illinois fan), Mateen Cleaves, Gene Keady's hair, Greg Oden, Dee Brown/Deron Williams/Nick Smith.

ACC- Michael Jordan, Wes Miller, Jim Valvano.... (crickets)

Advantage- Big Ten


People to Hate
Big Ten- Bob Knight, Kelvin Sampson, Clem Haskins, Tom Izzo, Drew Neitzel, Keith Smart.

ACC- Coach K, Roy Williams, Dick Vitale, Mike Patrick, Jared Dudley, Sean Marshall, JJ Redick, Greg Paulus, Jon Scheyer, Wojo, Collins, Shane Battier, Dahntay Jones, Josh McRoberts, Zoubek (what the hell), Taylor King, Nic Caner-Medley, Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Stephon Marbury's weird hair part (passes out).

Advantage- Big Ten


Weather
Big Ten- Snow, clouds, rain and the occasional frat house piss shower.

ACC- Sunshine, maybe even a beach and the sweet touch of Redick tears.

Advantage- ACC (just don't ever go to Boston College).


Fans
Big Ten- Schools like Penn State and Iowa, with no basketball fans, at least get rabid football support. They are in the middle of nowhere, it's sports, cowtipping or drowning loneliness in a bottle of cheap whiskey... and Scrabble, you could always play Scrabble. Indiana, Michigan State and usually Illinois are the only basketball fans I would call "great."

ACC- I hate Duke, but if I went to Duke, I probably wouldn't. There, that's all I'm gonna say. I've seen a game at the Dean Dome and it's fantastic, even if it's a bit too huge for my liking. Maryland fans are the best. Their treatment of Redick should have won a Noble prize, if they gave Nobel Prizes in Heartless, Yet Completely Deserving Douchebaggery. Miami is awful and Wake and G Tech have been listless lately, but NC State, BC, Va Tech (when they play someone good) and even Clemson are above average.

Advantage- ACC. Do not get between the South and their basketball.


Actual Basketball
The least relevant category turns out to be the clincher. Let's go through each game and pick a winner.

Wake Forest at Iowa- Iowa
Georgia Tech at Indiana- Indiana
Minnesota at FSU- FSU
Northwestern at Virginia- Virginia
Wisconsin at Duke- Duke
Purdue at Clemson- Clemson
NC State at Michigan State- NC State
Illinois at Maryland- Illinois
Boston College at Michigan- Michigan
North Carolina at Ohio State- UNC
Virginia Tech at Penn State- Virginia Tech

Advantage- ACC. 7-4.



The ACC is your winner!
I mean, they deserve it for having hotter chicks, but I hate siding with anything involving Duke. There, now you don't have to actually watch any of the games. But do pick up those Playboy issues.

Most Scandalous Program: The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

Today: Most Scandalous Program
Previously:
Least Obnoxious Coach: Tony Bennett, Washington State
Most Hated White Guy Award: Drew Neitzel, Michigan State
Most Annoying Announcer (Non Vitale Division): Jim Nantz, CBS

Continue...

Right now the honor is being held by Indiana and Kelvin Sampson, who is like the Godfather of shadiness right now. But it won't be long until someone tries to take him down to sit alone atop the mountain of lawless, maniacal, borderline dangerous desire for victory. As we've seen so far this season, just one recruiting class, or even one recruit, can change the course of a basketball program, which means it takes just one Hummer or illegally rented condo or sorority house orgy on a bed of cocaine and caviar to get back on the winning track. Now, there's little doubt that many programs engage in illegal activity but just don't get caught. That's not what I'm interested in. I'm looking for the program that will do whatever the hell they want without worrying about the consequences. The Omar Little of this college hoops shit.

And this year's friend with improper benefits is...

Kansas State
First, some background. The Wildcats sucked ass as a basketball program for a long time. Before last season, they hadn't even been to the NIT since 1999 and haven't been to the NCAAs since 1996. They haven't had a player drafted in the NBA since 1990. So when they needed to find a coach to turn the program around, rather than turn to an upcoming mid-major coach capable of steadily building the program through a winning culture and maximization of resources, they decided to hire Bob Huggins. Yes Huggins, he of the notoriously low graduation rate, asshole at the country club dress/demeanor and thrilling little DUI in 2004 where he got liquored up and yacked in his own car despite having met a recruit just hours earlier. Seriously, the guy is a real-life Nick Nolte.

So he goes out and recruits some studs like Bill Walker and Jason Bennett for the upcoming season where they win 23 games and Huggins goes from "grown man who pukes in his own whip" to "program savior." Then he uses this sudden turnaround to get a higher-paying gig at his alma mater, West Virginia. Yes, just three years after leaving a program in shambles and being unable to walk in a straight line, he has his dream job. Before he leaves though, he locks up Michael Beasley, the top player of 2007, who could've went to a school that you know, has made the fucking NCAA Tournament in the past decade, but instead chose a white, psychotic asshole who coaches in the middle of Kansas. Makes perfect sense.

And it makes even more sense when you consider Huggy's assistants. He decided to hire Dalonte Hill, who was 27 and had just three years of experience on UNC-Charlotte's staff. But he was Michael Beasley's AAU coach, which always helps (Beasley had even committed to Charlotte before changing his mind to KSU). He also hired Frank Martin, who was his assistant with the Bearcats but had just five years of college experience, all as an assistant and only seven as a high school head coach. So, in order to keep Beasley after Huggy left, they took less than 24 hours to immediately promote both his recruiters, Martin to head coach, Hill to top assistant,with only one other candidate being interviewed, Northern Iowa's Greg McDermott. Zero head coaching experience and just 10 assistant years between them and the program was all theirs. All three of Martin's commitments for '08 and '09 (two four-star guys) play for DC Assault, Beasley and Hill's former AAU team. And on top of all that, Martin is a complete fucking nutjob, and a crooked one at that.

When he was a head coach at Miami High, Martin left in as much disgrace as when Huggins left Cincinnati. After winning the 1998 state title, their second straight led by Udonis Haslem and Steve Blake, the Miami New Times found that many Miami players played for Martin illegally (for all the incredible dirt on the guy, click that link). It was also revealed that he illegally recruited players, had most of his players, including Blake and Haslem, live with unpaid "coaches" and boosters or list false addresses to meet school district qualifications and accepted gifts from Nike for choosing them as a sponsor. The New Times reporter went to some of the listed addresses and the people there had no idea who the players even were. He then tried to cover up the dirt, to no avail. They were forced to forfeit every game that season and Martin was fired. From a high school team. Nine years later, he's coaching a top 25 team with the best player in the country. Besides the AOL Fanhouse - so much for these "irresponsible" blogs, with their rap music and pantslessness - I couldn't find any mention of Martin's transgressions when he was hired. The KSU AD said he didn't even know about the investigation.

If that wasn't enough, he stalks the sidelines like a complete madman. He throws clipboards, curses out players, berates refs. Just because the guy is insane doesn't mean he should be investigated but someone who is that obsessive about winning AND has his background, can't be squeaky clean. Plus, they have sucked so far this season, getting crushed by George Mason and needing OT to beat Central Florida. If Martin feels his job security slipping, especially with Beasley leaving after this year, will some lucky recruits or AAU coaches suddenly find three naked gymnasts washing a brand new Benz with Cristal in their driveway? Wouldn't bet against it.

Least Obnoxious Coach: The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

Today: Least Obnoxious Coach
Previously:
Most Hated White Guy Award (JJ Redick Memorial Trophy): Drew Neitzel, Michigan State
Most Annoying Announcer (Non Vitale Division): Jim Nantz, CBS

Continue...

Being obnoxious is part of being a college coach. To get a recruit you have to be an asshole to everyone besides him and his family. You have to vindictively sabotage competing coaches, lie to other recruiting targets and hire people that are woefully unqualified. But then, when the recruit is on your team, you have to be an asshole to him, because it's important to athletic directors and boosters that a college coach appears to be a disciplinarian and someone who cares more about winning than his players. Can't let those punk kids with their hip hop music, unprotected sex and ability to generate millions in revenue without receiving anything in return act like they own the place.

So if you need to choke a player, act like some sort of deity in TV commercials, or inspire stuff like this, well that's all part of the job. In fact, the NCAA's recent attempts to limit cursing and strip a coach's privilege, NO, his right to be a complete asshole is a downright attack on the American dream. The dream to get paid millions of dollars to berate teenagers, the dream this country was founded upon. How can a coach expect to make a living using exclamations like "Fudgy stick!" calling players "buttheads" and referring to an official's call as "poppycock?"

So, when a coach can achieve success without treating people like a $20 prostitute he is truly overachieving. Therefore, I had to rule out mid-major coaches for this award because far too many of them seem like nice people, whose job is based solely on the ability to overachieve. I needed someone who could manage to succeed in a lion's den of back sweat, toddler-esque pouting and outright douchebaggery.

That someone is...

Tony Bennett

Shit... I mean, Tony Bennett
Bennett, seen here not looking like a complete train wreck, turned Washington State's program around with the help of his father Dick Bennett, who despite his first name, also was not a, well, dick. Last year, in his first season as head coach after four years as an assistant, he took a last place team in '06 to 26 wins and the NCAA second round. Now, I'm going to assume part of the reason he isn't an ass, is the same type of underdog position he inherited. Washington State wasn't a mid-major team, but they certainly looked, acted and smelled like one. It's almost as if in the coaching world you have to earn the right to treat people like shit. Actually it seems like the best time for denigration and discipline would be a new coach on a bad team. Someone to change the culture. But boosters and administrators don't want a coach to come in and ruffle feathers. "If you're going to suck, at least make our lives easier," seems to be the sentiment. Which means take your 40-point beating, 20-loss seasons and most importantly, meager salary and keep the chairs on the bench and the players happy enough to not start killing each other.

Bennett managed to pull off a turnaround without making a peep. Hell, he doesn't even have enough clout to avoid dinner with Seth Davis. Coach K makes Davis sit at another table, and pay, if he wants an interview. Plus, he's done it with players that don't need to be dicked over. Kyle Weaver and his one scholarship offer, Deven Hamerling and his offers from Denver and Eastern Washington and Robbie Cowgill, who avoided the siren song of Texas-Arlington, don't need to be kept in line or treated like babies. They don't have agents calling or issues with marketability. They are grown men who have only Bennett and the Cougars to fall back on.

Now, the question is, how long can Bennett keep this up? After a few more 20-win seasons and NCAA appearances, he has to start spreading rumors that Lorenzo Romar has herpes and slashing Ben Howland's tires right? He's already had interest from Michigan and Minnesota and signed an extension for $800,000 a year, will it go to his head and result in the same boorish bullshit the Huggins, Knights and Calhouns had forced us to expect? I think we'll be alright for this year but I hope Bennett can become a repeat winner of this award, otherwise the increasingly unstoppable monster that is college coaching will have claimed another victim.

The Holy Trinity of Courtside Entertainment

About a week ago I was listening to a podcast on AOL Fanhouse where the guest was Bethlehem Shoals from Free Darko, home of the most outstanding basketball writing on these here Internets (and that includes Jay Bilas). And the host MJD asked Shoals a simple but delightful question: If you could watch an NBA game courtside with any three people in the game, who would it be? Shoals selected a magnificent trio of Amare Stoudemire, Hubie Brown and Jeff Van Gundy, three guys who hang out a lot anyway. Well in the interest of testing my own ability to dream and to completely rip a post idea from another blog, here are my choices for the college arena.

The following people are too cliche and will not even be considered: Bob Knight, Coach K, John Wooden, Dick Vitale (shudder), Billy Packer (nausea), Jim Nantz (actual vomit), Kevin Durant (redacted for privacy issues), Dean Smith, any other boring famous coach. And with the vast array of people attached to the game, I've decided to go with one player, one coach and one person fulfilling some other capacity in college hoops.
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The Player
Josh Heytvelt - I would love to watch a game with Josh and pick his brain. Unfortunately this might make him uncomfortable because he'll probably think I'm actually picking at his brain. I invited you Josh, keep the fish outs to a minimum. But seriously, this guy is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a Philly Blunt. You are the best player on a top 25 team in a town that worships you and a possible first round draft pick, and you decide to go ride around town with some shrooms?! I mean I'm sure Spokane is boring but is it so boring that you need a turquoise fire-breathing elephant in your life?! I respect the work he's done to get back into good graces with his team but needless to say I'd still have some unanswered questions for him. Plus sitting courtside at a basketball game is a sensory experience. I'd really like to see him tackle the challenge of 10 large, fast-moving individuals, wearing a variety of colors no less, with loud music and sparkly cheerleaders going during timeouts and a flurry of whistles that may or may not be soul-devouring canaries. And then party with him afterwards, of course.

The Analyst
Seth Davis - I'd want to watch a game with Davis so I could confirm that I know more about basketball than him. Every time I see him on CBS or manage to locate the brief content he produces for Sports Illustrated I try to figure out how exactly he got his job. For a comprehensive, outstanding examination of Davis' ineptitude and complete lack of authority on college hoops, SportsbyBrooks has an investigation. Also, take a look at these gems, here and here. I expect inane, obvious drivel from former players turned analysts but this is his only job! Well, actually not his only job. According to his SI.com bio, Davis also performs stand-up comedy in New York City ("What's the deal with traveling? It's not like they're going very far!") Sadly, I cannot find any video of this so in order to cross "Hear Seth Davis Tell Dick Joke" off my list of things to do before I die, he must bring his comedic stylings courtside with me and Heytvelt (no amount of drugs that Heytvelt gives me would make Seth Davis funny).

The Coach
Jim Larranaga - I covered Delaware, the worst team in the damn country, in college so I've actually spoken with him before. It was 2006 CAA Media Day and after getting the quotes for my devastatingly depressing Blue Hens men's basketball season preview there was still some interview time left so I wandered over to the throng of media surrounding one man. This was of course, the season after he led Mason to the Final Four, so literally 75 percent of the reporters there could be found at Larranaga's side at all times. And despite answering the same questions over and over again, his voice hoarse, sweat on his forehead, the displaced old school coach from the Bronx was constantly entertaining, his anecdotes keeping the reporters laughing and his insight on an abruptly life-changing event riveting. And I would say about half of what he said had nothing to do with basketball, choosing instead to offer his refreshingly positive perspective on life, success and leadership. After picking two people to have beside me simply to ridicule, Larranaga would keep me entertained when I ran out of shroom jokes and Seth Davis had ran out of obvious things to say.

Most Annoying Announcer (Non-Vitale Division): The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

Today: Most Annoying Announcer (Non Vitale Division)
Previously: Most Hated White Guy Award (JJ Redick Memorial Trophy)

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Obviously, the field is wide open when removing Vitale from the mix. His transgressions will be dissected on their own at a later date. I need time, some serious soul-searching and probably a lot of alcohol to tackle Dickie V. But luckily for us, most announcers suck ass! So even though these idiots are duking it out in the NIT to Vitale's March Madness of suckiness, they are still pretty terrible.

I took a long look at Mike Patrick -- which can often lead to nausea, diarrhea and, in extreme cases, vertigo -- but I ultimately decided that Patrick was so bad that he should actually be considered part of the Vitale Division, the Bowl Subdivision of ineptitude, if you will. He's spent so much time around Vitale that his idiocy, probably cloaked in the form of Old Person Smell, has seeped into Patrick's brain, causing a strange mix of senility and perversion. So he's out.

Billy Packer is pretty bad, not gonna lie. But Packer has that weird Johnny Miller thing going for him. You hate him, but you always seem more interested when he is announcing. He's an idiot, but an entertaining idiot... or something. Clearly this entire selection process has resulted in serious psychological distress, I'm flustered.

But maybe, no certainly, my twisted, backwards defense of Packer is being dictated by outside forces. Yes, I know why Packer seems more tolerable than I had imagined. It's because he's usually sitting next to Jim Fucking Nantz. Eureka!


Yes, you're 2007 Preseason Most Annoying Announcer is Jim Nantz, seen here giving the famously creepy, Jim Nantz Gaze. Usually it occurs whenever he is speaking with someone, most frequently his broadcasting partner before the game. When the other person is talking Nantz stares at him with a kind of half-smile, like he's watching a chef twirl pizza dough or a cat clean himself. It may appear Nantz is listening, and he occasionally looks back at the camera so the audience doesn't think he's in the early stages of cardiac arrest, but he's not listening at all. In fact, I'm quite certain that sappy Masters music is playing in his head whenever he's not talking (or "Hold My Hand" by Hootie and the Blowfish). Seriously, look at this guy.


If it's not the Masters or Hootie in his head, there are absolutely unspeakable thoughts going on instead. No one just smiles like that, no one.

Besides the gaze, Nantz represents every old, dorky white guy that ruins sports. My thoughts on his atrocious golf coverage are covered here (and Slate destroys him here). His words are melodramatic, he always uses cheesy puns ("A Chomp-ionship for the Gators is twice as nice!") and double entendres and never once challenges Packer's inane ramblings. He is generally a patsy for the big programs and the NCAA and by the time the Final Four comes around, when fans are ready to enjoy the conclusion of an outstanding month of exciting basketball, Nantz chooses to focus on pageantry and metaphors and a full-on slobbering of all the coaches that led their teams to the end. He is. Whether it's the players and the boosters, the students and the alumni, the bloggers and the sports journalists, Nantz's intolerable sappiness being forced upon a young generation of basketball fans is another example of a game being dictated and profited by old rich people but played and consumed by kids and young adults.

Oh, and that One Shining Moment thing? There is no doubt in my mind that was Nantz's idea.

This Just In: Jay Bilas Study Finds That Good Players Tend to Want to Play In NBA

Jay Bilas, seen here contemplating why he's not a Duke assistant and merely some guy with a microphone headset clutching a pen and talking about the "length" of teenagers, is actually not a bad analyst and generally a breath of fresh air when put beside Dickie V and Hi-Liter Man. But in ESPN's noble quest to ruin the few good things they have going for them, they have decided to give some of their on-air, ex-player personalities a chance to write on ESPN.com. Bill Walton does it, Doug Gottlieb does it (and fairly well actually), I think Sean Salisbury tried it once but could manage only to pound on the keyboard angrily while grunting and turning purple. They just put the remains into Gene Wojciechowski's column so no one would notice. Anyway, most of these guys clearly shouldn't be writing. They got nerdy kids and the kinda fat girls they would only bang if they got something in return to do it for them in college so why does ESPN think they can do it now?

The latest foray into pointlessness is Jay Bilas' column today. He claims that the college game is suffering because all the good players leave for the draft before they mature as players. Groundbreaking stuff indeed. He then lists 8 (EIGHT!) All-Imagine teams consisting of players who could still be in college to really drive home the point. I'm not even going to address what is wrong with those teams (Al Jefferson ON THE FOURTH TEAM?!?!). But Bilas' complete lack of knowledge has inspired me to tackle the subject on my own. He is my bizarro muse.Continue...

Alright first off, the NBA age rule is by all accounts good for the NBA. Fans don't have to worry about high lottery picks taking as much time to develop (unless you are a Sixers fan like me) and, in theory, the worse teams should take less time to turn it around (see: Hawks, Horford, Law). NBA coaches are getting players with at least a year of seasoning/humbling/toughening up from the coaches of top college programs (unless you draft Michael Beasley next year who coaches himself) and all of this has no effect on the salary cap. Plus the players are getting at least a year in the national spotlight, maybe even a deep NCAA tourney run, making them far more marketable when they enter the league. Kevin Durant, as great as he is, was not a household name coming out of high school. So that is why the rule will never change. Tough shit.

As far as the college game, there certainly is an effect, just one nowhere near what Bilas thinks. The game is not less mature, if anything it is more mature, if maturity refers strictly to level of play (excellent Free Darko piece on maturity and basketball). Eric Gordon, Michael Beasley, Derrick Rose, Kevin Love and OJ Mayo are NBA players, hands the fuck down. Kosta Koufos, Donte Greene, Anthony Randolph and Kyle Singler probably are too. They dominate high school and college players because they have mature bodies (except Randolph), a mature game and the maturity to harness those skills into success. Bilas says these players are talented but have success because the upperclassmen that should be stealing their playing time and touches are going pro. Wrong. They have success because they are playing against inferior competition: college players. Some pipsqueak from Chattanooga cannot cover Eric Gordon any better than he could cover Chris Paul. So that's not the problem.

What could be construed as a problem is that the best players in college basketball are all freshmen. Look at some of the stat lines early in the season. It's ridiculous. When you force NBA players to play in college, they are going to play like NBA players. And as soon as they can go the NBA, they are out of there, leaving a group of upperclassmen that are simply good college players, paling in comparison to the incoming NBA-ready players. It's essentially become the NBDL, a place where elite players spend a year readying their games for the NBA. They don't get any more of an education than they would if they left after high school and it can be a setback for programs to use scholarships and recruiting money on one and done players but it certainly does not dilute the quality of play. I would've watched a lot less basketball last year if it wasn't for Kevin Durant, I'm sure many people can say the same. Last night I watched Duke (to see Singler), Ohio State (Koufos) and UCLA (Love, and Bill Walton's homoerotic PSA). I watch basketball for the competition and the chance to see a player raise his game head and shoulders above the rest. Rather than watch Kevin Durant have to share the ball with the likes of Luke Ridnour and Damien Wilkins right out of high school (I watch him do that anyway, but that's an issue for a therapist, not a blog), I cherished the opportunity to see him will a Texas team to victory (like this one) by simply being the best player out there. There's a lot of joy that comes from just extracting a player's brilliance from its context and enjoying it for what it is. I don't care how old he is or how long he'll be around, I'm just glad it happened.

As for Bilas, he doesn't even offer a solution to his so-called problem and ESPN has the call to make the article Free Insider which means, "We originally wanted to make you pay for it, but realized Ralph Nader would destroy Bristol if we did." Enjoy Jonny Flynn, Donte Greene and Kosta Koufos tonight, while you have the chance, of course.

Hype Off! Beasley v. Rose

When not frothing over the March Madness in November! aspect of some of the early season upsets, the college basketball community has been a twitter over a couple of freshmen, namely Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose.

Rose's well-deserved slobbering is a result of his sick dunks, amazing athleticism and blinding quickness, all from the point guard slot. Beasley has been deified for putting up absurd numbers in his first two games in the NBDL, er, college. And because no amount of shouting or flowery feature stories could possibly do the debate justice, we go to oldest trick in the book of bloggery, the tale of the tape to compare the players early season performances.
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Stats
Rose: 19.0 ppg, 5.5 rpg, 3.0 apg, 1.5 TO, 1 spg, 2 bpg, 58.3 FG%, 3/9 3-PT
Beasley: 31.0 ppg, 19.0 rpg... alright this one is over, shit.

Advantage: Beasley

Opponents
Beasley- Sacramento State, Pittsburg State
Alright, so he set the Big 12 single game record in his first game but he did it against a team that was 10-19 last year, returned two starters, has no player taller than 6-8 and has a coach who wets the bed. Alright not all of that is true, but they suck... well, actually they don't suck, at least compared to Pittsburg State. The D-II, so void of talent that they lost the H in a pick-up game, couldn't hold Beasley under 30 but actually led at halftime. I don't care what your stats are, you must destroy Pittsburg State.

Rose- Tennessee-Martin, Richmond
I've heard of Richmond, which is a good start. They are in the A-10, a conference less fraudulent than Conference USA, excluding Memphis of course. But the Tigers only had a one-point halftime lead, allowing the Spiders to score just five fewer points than Maine did the entire game two nights before. Tennessee-Martin at least had a player who could score, Lorenzo Hudson's 35 and were named the Skyhawks, which can be distracting (you know, because there aren't any land hawks, think about it man). Memphis buried those stoners anyway and Rose was all over the place.

Advantage: Rose

Recruitment Shadiness
Beasley: Committed to Charlotte because they hired his AAU coach, then changed his mind to K State after they stole his AAU coach from Charlotte, then wanted to leave when Huggins left KSU, then stayed because the Wildcats promoted his boy and the assistant that recruited him.

Rose: Has been linked to Fonzworth Bentley of basketball, William Wesley, who apparently has more pull within recruiting circles than even John Calipari or Cadillac.

Advantage: Push, seems like pretty routine stuff to me.

Media Fellating
Beasley- Andy Katz and the indestructible time capsule that is his hair, deemed him Player of the Week. High praise indeed.

Rose- Is carrying the torch for David Stern's age-minimum rule and may be Jesus.

Advantage: Beasley, can't argue with Mr. Katz.

Pro Potential Witnessed So Far
Beasley: Already has an NBA body and made his stance known that rebounds are to be his and only his. Can shoot a little from the outside and beat most guards down the court. He also has very little interest in playing anywhere besides the NBA, and enthusiasm is always a plus to employers!

Rose: To the prophets of NBADraft.net, he is the No. 1 pick next year. He is also compared to Dwyane Wade and Gary Payton, which means at some point during his NBA career he will mooch off himself to win a championship. He's 6-4 and faster than all of the other players, plus he could be a terror defensively after some good coaching.

Advantage: Rose. There are plenty of versatile big men in the NBA, not a lot of point guards with Rose's combination of athleticism and skill (Kidd, Paul, Williams, Wade, Arenas, that's it).

The clincher, Dick Vitale's opinion
Rose: "The bar was set high with the outstanding performances of Derrick Rose in wins over Tennessee-Martin and Richmond. Rose's explosiveness, size and speed makes him so tough to defend. He is a special player from out of Chicago. I still can't believe DePaul and Illinois didn't get to keep him in-state." He later went on to say, "Baby."

Beasley: "Kansas State has a man among boys in 6-10 Michael Beasley." Not sure how this conflicts with his "Diaper Dandy" status but I'm certainly giving Chris Hansen a call.

Advantage: Rose. The object of this category was to have Vitale and his rampant senility favor you less and Beasley being put in the same exuberant sentence with "man," "boys" and Vitale is a recipe for disaster.

Congratulations to Mr. Rose, he will now face Brett Favre in the finals.

: Most Hated White Guy: The SSS 2007-08 College Hoops Preview for Non-Psychics

By now the sweeping deluge of preseason awards/picks/rankings/All Whatever teams has subsided and given way to a far less exciting form of entertainment, actual live basketball. This pesky little distraction to what is really important - inane speculation plucked ripe from the collective media asshole - what with its final scores and concrete evidence, is not going to deny SSS the right to pillage our own sphincters for blind prognostications pawned off as heavily supported hypotheses. But with all of the standard preseason awards already put into the trusting hands of the media and coaches, SSS gives you its own brand of "alternative" preseason awards, to be distributed periodically over the duration of these fancy tip-off tournaments.

First up:

Most Hated White Guy Award (JJ Redick Memorial Trophy)
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The criteria for this award is stringent. You must be white first of all. That's no easy task. Second, you must play for a good team (like, top 15 or so) with plenty of media coverage. The media must love you, all opposing fans must want to do terrible things to your sister. You must have a loose resemblance to the average white college student. If 90 percent of the general public has a friend that could beat you up, you probably have the inside track on this award. And finally, you must instill utmost confidence in your detractors that you will be a complete bust on the professional level. What makes you so annoying is that you, the average white guy, are lucky enough to have the skills to earn a scholarship, a national spotlight and a never-ending supply of uninhibited, getting-back-at-her-parents college poon, but still are less desirable to potential employers than Kevin Ollie.

Obviously Tyler Hansbrough jumps to mind but Hansbrough has enough noticeable flaws (size, shooting, "ups" as the kids say) to keep media-folk honest and earns most of his success through hard work, energy and Crazy Person Eyes. Far too admirable. I don't know if he has a sister, but if he did, I'd probably take her out to a nice dinner, maybe a romantic comedy and wouldn't go near her pants until at least the third date.

Duke is way too easy. Scheyer isn't a big enough part of the offense, Singler is a freshman, Paulus... well I just feel sorry for Paulus, Ty Lawson might make him cry this year. Plus, all Duke whities are immediately compared to Redick, instantly lessening the impact of their obnoxiousness due to the At Least He's Not Redick Corollary.

As for the others, Kevin Love is too good, Derrick Low is too big of an underdog, Chase Budinger jumps too high and Josh Heytvelt has far too much street cred.

After much deliberation, the preseason award goes to:

Drew Neitzel, Michigan State
In a wide open field this year, Neitzel takes it home in large part to what is sure to be a Tom Izzo suck-off fest this year. If the Spartans have any bit of success after their shitty exhibition play, the whole thing with Izzo stripping his team of their locker room will give the Vitales and Patricks of the world some serious cream dreams. Neitzel, he of the miraculous fadeaway threes and tricked-out Honda exhibitionist haircut, will be the focal part of a top 10 team who is sure to be overrated after feasting upon the feeble Big Ten underbelly. Because of his stats and the fact that he is just white enough to still be playing in college, he'll be a Player of the Year candidate and a name known to many casual fans. Us real fans will see his atrociously low FG% and defensive embarrassment at the hands of Eric Gordon's ilk and call bullshit. But no worries, we have only a year of Neitzel's wrath, soon enough he will be off the court and a contestant on ESPN Original Entertainment's upcoming reality show, Shattered Dream Job: America's Next Doug Gottlieb.