The SSS 2008 NCAA Tournament Preview For Non-Psychics: Midwest Region

Waxing poetic about how lovely the NCAA Tournament is seems a bit irrelevant at this point. Certainly "One Shining Moment" will provide a sort of grab-bag of sappiness at the end of the whole thing that will you make you go, "Man, I love March Madness," sigh while looking longingly into the middle distance and then go watch The Hills or something. Now is not the time for such nonsense. March Madness is great! Work sucks! Gus Johnson is so exciting! There, that's done with. What we all want right now is objective, cold-hearted analysis on which teams will prevail and how to win your office pools. I wholeheartedly hope you find something like that. Instead I offer my own brand of regional previews, based solely around enjoying the tournament as much as possible. I'd say "Enjoy" but that goes without saying this time of year.

Previously:
East Region
West Region
South Region

Here is your last region, the Midwest. For the record, I've got Louisville, UCLA and Stanford in the Final Four so far. And once again, be sure to check the great Awful Announcing, which has the first round announcers for each game that can be used for Gus Johnson referential purposes regarding this preview.

1st Round Games
1) Kansas vs. 16) Portland State- The Vikings are the best 16 seed this year, a team that has beaten conference runner-ups Akron and Ooey Pooey (IUPUI) this year and lost to UCLA by "just" 21 and Washington State by "just" 12. So for those of you looking for some fancy pants No. 16 over No. 1, perhaps you have found that opportunity. Now you just need Kansas to come down with a rampant case of the gout, which even the most frigid temperatures or unsavory skanks of Omaha could probably not provide. A less debilitating disease may produce a cover of the spread though.

8) UNLV vs. 9) Kent State- A good example of just how mediocre college basketball this year is UNLV. Last year's team, a No. 7 seed, had at least three players that would be the best on this year's squad, a No. 8 seed. Wink Adams, the only holdover from last year's Sweet 16 participant, will have a very entertaining battle with Kent State "star" Al Fisher. Both programs are used to the NCAAs and getting some wins when there. Actually both of these teams are pretty similar overall, especially in that they will both be destroyed by Kansas in the second round.

5) Clemson vs. 12) Villanova- Along with the underdog Temple Owls and St. Joe's Hawks, Villanova remains the god-forsaken city of Philadelphia's best chance of any postseason win in any of the major sports at any level in 15 months. The Sixers, a team that willfully employs Calvin Booth, and the Flyers, a team that plays hockey, would be the best chance if those three Big Five members fail... for the next six months. Think of this when you are watching the games over the next couple days, and pray that the inevitable riot does not spread across all of civilization. I Am Legend.

4) Vanderbilt vs. 13) Siena- This is everyone's big, special upset pick for this year, not necessarily because they know anything about Siena -- or Vandy for that matter -- but because people on TV are talking about it. I still don't understand why no network, in the history of TV, has actually kept track of how well its analysts' picks have done. I mean, I know the reasons why they do not, but it seems unlikely they could continue to get away with it. Let me set the standard: If Siena does not beat Vanderbilt, we boycott any form of televised Bracketeering... and publicly stone Joe Lunardi.

6) USC vs. 11) Kansas State- YESSSS. Even my shallowly snark-filled approach to this tourney cannot muster up some cynicism for this game. In 40 minutes an NBA scout can take care of 30 percent of the 2008 Draft's top ten. And with Wisconsin, Fullerton, Portland State, UNLV and Kent State also playing in Omaha (along with Kansas), the Selection Committee owes at least that much to those scouts. I'm completely lost on whether to consider KSU a good team or not and this smells of one of those games where you pick USC to go the Elite Eight and they get blasted with 40 and 15 from Beasley. Tim Floyd did easily handle a similarly constructed Kevin Durant-led Texas team last year, which didn't even have a Crazy Person for a head coach, so there's that.

3) Wisconsin vs. 14) Cal-State Fullerton- Another of the Selection Committee's sick, twisted jokes (they need to get a hobby or something), the superslow Badgers (306th in pace nationally) will face the ADDirific Titans (15th in pace nationally). Some people think Fullerton can pull this one off and it's not completely insane because of how well they shoot the ball, but CSF's porous defense can make even Wisconsin look like a modern-day team (rumor has it they still practice with peach baskets). The Badgers offense will be so free and loose compared to Big Ten play, well Bo Ryan might just have to Superman a Hoe:


7) Gonzaga vs. 10) Davidson- I'm as pissed as you about the Selection Committee's decision to recreate the BracketBusters tournament, but this is a freaking great basketball game right here. The Zags used to be just like Davidson, a mid-major with a bunch of nonathletic shooters that play smart, rebound and pass well, but have cashed in that success for some fancy All-Americans that have diminished their chemistry and ability to avoid hallucinating and openly weeping. Davidson, on the other hand, has embraced the style of the original Gonzaga, playing big-time non-conference opponents and making frequent tourney trips with a team that's led by a recent spelling bee champion. All kinds of literary themes going on in this one; hopefully the smarties at Davidson can explain them to Heytvelt. Relate it to Harold and Kumar and he'll be fine.

2) Georgetown vs. 15) UMBC- The Retrievers aren't terrible, even though their nickname would suggest such; I don't even think a youth league team would be caught dead wearing a jersey referring to themselves as a highly domesticated animal. UMBC can shoot a little bit and will probably win the turnover battle with a recently reckless Georgetown team. The Hoyas simply cannot put teams away with consistency so the longer the... uh... let's call them the Vampires... the longer the Vampires can keep the score within shouting distance, the longer G'Town will have to exert some of the energy they'll need against a tough Gonzaga or Davidson team two days later. By the way, Nantz and Packer are doing this one so look for plenty of "man's best friend" puns from Nantz and, with John Thompson, Jr. around, plenty of racism from Packer.

To Watch For
Game You Will Really Wish Gus Johnson Was Announcing- One of the more underrated things about Gus is how much he understands basketball. The guy can identify player's tendencies and teams' strengths and weaknesses like few other announcers. That being said, he knows next to nothing about the players, teams, coaches or conferences relevant to that season. For instance, Gus will quickly recognize that Stephen Curry has a quick release and an ability to use a jab step or perfectly use a screen to get a shot off against a bigger opponent and his trusty relationship with point guard Jason Richards, but he'll have to ask his partner how to pronounce Curry's first name. That's why I wish he was doing that Davidson-Gonzaga game, because it'll be like a really knowledgeable basketball fan watching great players like Stephen Curry or Jeremy Pargo or Austin Daye for the first time. And screaming like an insane maniac all the while.

Game You Should Be Thankful Jim Nantz IS NOT Announcing- If the big Hoyas-Retrievers game seems unbearable, just be thankful he isn't doing the USC-Kansas State game. "Hold the Mayo" lines would be flying like crazy and he would certainly accuse Davon Jefferson of trying to steal his wallet.

Thing That Will Get Stuck In Billy Packer's Craw- Oh my goodness, if they give him 30 seconds of air time to talk about USC and Kansas State and all the one-and-doners, he might lose control of his bladder.

Most Ironic Commercial- During that KSU-USC game, any commercial promoting the benefits for student-athletes of a complete college education .

(If you can't tell, I'm really excited for that game.)

Talking Points That Will Make Your Brain Want To Die- Davidson is very similar to how Gonzaga once was. There is a considerable amount of NBA talent in that 6-11 game. OJ Mayo and Bill Walker are friendly acquaintances. Any success by Villanova should be seen as ironic because it barely made the Tournament.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give CBS Execs Creamed Jeans- Davidson-Georgetown in Raleigh. A bunch of smart kids playing in the heart of North Carolina. Hmm, sounds familiar.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give Hoops Fans Creamed Jeans, CBS Execs Flaccidity- Nothing jumps out here but Gonzaga vs. Georgetown would be pretty great, especially because the Zags might have more raw talent. CBS probably wants Mr. Heytvelt out of there ASAP.

Best NBA Prospect- Answer unnecessary.

Best Panamanian Super Liga Prospect- Villanova forward Shane Clark has already put a down payment on a Canal-side home.... with a jetski!

Most Likely Teabagging Scenario- As much as Roy Hibbert seems like a nice young man... I hope Jeremy Pargo puts his balls up in Big Roy's face.... For entertainment purposes of course.

Most Unexpectedly Hot Cheerleaders- Despite their pending doom, I've gotta think the girls from Fullerton leave every other team from this region in the dust. Especially Wisconsin. Their team probably doubles as the shot put squad.

Oh, And The Winner Of The Damn Thing- Kansas should waltz to the Elite Eight, but who they face is anyone's guess. I like USC to advance through because they should match-up against very similar, defensive-minded teams (Wisconsin and Georgetown), but of course will have vastly superior talent (the biggest stylistic problem they will face will be KSU actually). The Trojans just really need to take care of the ball against those two. The Jayhawks only beat USC by four back in December at the Galen Center and I think KU can win another close one and go on to San Antonio.

The SSS 2008 NCAA Tournament Preview For Non-Psychics: South Region

Waxing poetic about how lovely the NCAA Tournament is seems a bit irrelevant at this point. Certainly "One Shining Moment" will provide a sort of grab-bag of sappiness at the end of the whole thing that will you make you go, "Man, I love March Madness," sigh while looking longingly into the middle distance and then go watch The Hills or something. Now is not the time for such nonsense. March Madness is great! Work sucks! Gus Johnson is so exciting! There, that's done with. What we all want right now is objective, cold-hearted analysis on which teams will prevail and how to win your office pools. I wholeheartedly hope you find something like that. Instead I offer my own brand of regional previews, based solely around enjoying the tournament as much as possible. I'd say "Enjoy" but that goes without saying this time of year.

Previously:
East Region
West Region

This here is the South. I'm gonna do the Midwest this afternoon or for tomorrow morning. I still haven't filled out my "serious" brackets yet, so we'll see.

By the way, Awful Announcing has the first round announcers for each game, so check that out for Gus Johnson referential purposes in this preview.

1st Round Games
1) Memphis vs. 16) Texas-Arlington- John Calipari might be the one coach in America that could convince me to pick his team for the Final Four even if I had no intentions to do so. Every interview I have seen or read with him is either some serious politicking or some serious car salesman shtick. "We made 75 percent of our foul shots in the C-USA tournament." "We would have been the No. 1 overall seed if we made a two-footer against Tennessee." "Before this tournament, my team only used their feet to go from their house to the grocery store."

8) Mississippi State vs. 9) Oregon- This is my favorite 8-9 game because I think both teams could give Honest John and his Tigers a scare in Round 2. It's a tough one to pick because you have Oregon's highly efficient, perimeter-oriented, sweet shooting offense against the Bulldogs great defense, anchored by Jarvis Varnado protecting the rim. So let's ask Digger Phelps what he thinks:

"When you look at Mississippi State and Oregon, I think you gotta talk about Lamont Gordon. He's got size when you look at the point guard position.... Charles Rhodes..... And, when you look at Oregon.... can this team play well enough to get it done and get to the next round?... Shooting the ball from the three point line, dribble the ball, try to keep the other team from scoring... I think Mississippi State can get it done, Why?... Look for them to scare Memphis in the next round.... Ben Hansbrough."

Thanks Digger.

5) Michigan State vs. 12) Temple- This is a real interesting game between Temple, which didn't really start playing basketball until the last month and Michigan State, which changes the sport it plays from game to game. Temple, and its two-man scoring attack of Mark Tyndale and Dionte Christmas, can win this game if they don't get killed on the glass. Meanwhile, the Spartans have lost to Penn State, scored 36 in a GAME against Iowa and lost to a D-II school in the preseason. But they also beat Indiana by 30 two weeks ago. Drew Neitzel, the preseason SSS Most Hated White Guy, hasn't been good enough to hate all season long but showed some real signs of punchability in the Big Ten tourney. I just pray he got a barb wire tattoo to reward himself or maybe a spoiler for his Hyundai. Then all will be well.

4) Pittsburgh vs. 13) Oral Roberts- For those of you jumping blindly onto the Pitt bandwagon, fear this game. "Oral," as sick, twisted rich white men will undoubtedly call them jokingly ("I picked Pitt but my wife picked Oral! Haha (high fives). Let's go punch some poor people!"), has more size than the Panthers on the front line, and use that size to anchor a strong defense. I know Pitt just beat Georgetown, Louisville and Marquette, but it also was crushed by West Virginia and needed a miracle to beat Syracuse just a week or two earlier. If they don't get that absurd free throw advantage they got in the Big East tourney (and ORU is one of the better teams in the nation at not sending opponents to the line), Bob Knight's senility-induced champion pick could have some trouble.

6) Marquette at 11) Kentucky- I'm starting to like this Marquette team and I'm not sure why anyone (read: Digger Phelps) thinks Kentucky can win without Patrick Patterson. The Golden Eagles used to win games by simply forcing opponents to assault the backboard more violently than them (or by just having Dwyane Wade), but this year, they suddenly have multiple scoring options in Dominic James, Jerel McNeal, Lazar Heyward, Wes Mathews and Maurice Acker. And on a completely unrelated note, has anyone else noticed that Hubert Davis, once a legitimately interesting and entertaining analyst, has recently adopted Digger's analysis style? Everything is, "When you look at" and "When you talk about" and then he just turns an entire analysis into an incoherent run-on sentence with random non sequiturs of players names and cliched aspects of the game. (I mean, look at this and tell me Hubert hasn't been doing the same thing but with just less Alzheimer's... I've been watching way too much ESPN this week.)

3) Stanford at 14) Cornell- Man! These schools are so smart! It's like the Selection Committee did this on purpose! Are they going to decide this game with a spelling bee!? Are the players going to study for finals on the bench?! Are the alumni going to be able to take off from Congress to watch the game?!
/sorry

7) Miami vs. 10) St. Mary's- The most boring 7-10 match-up of the tourney in an otherwise outstanding region as far as entertaining basketball goes, both teams come into the game in a slump and little chance of advancing to the second weekend. So why even play the game, you ask? Well because Gaels' freshman point Patty Mills is from Australia and CBS needs to use that fancy graphic with the facts about Australia and references to Survivor in more than just the Vanderbilt game. Everyone wins. Sorta.

2) Texas vs. 15) Austin Peay- For those of you who like small ball, this is the game for you. Texas' 6-9 Connor Atchley is going to feel like Kenny George in this game with the Governors sporting zero regular rotation players over 6-5. This is one of those weird 5:00 p.m. ET games that occurs in the purgatory between the early games and the primetime games. You know, where people stumble out of the sports bars and wander the streets like zombies looking for something, anything, as exciting as the basketball they just watched. This is where you have people cheering for car crashes or for someone to get mugged in front of them. Then they look down at their bracket and realize they had "Texas." At which point it's time to go home. God I love March Madness.

To Watch For
Game You Should Really Want Gus Johnson Announcing- Like I said yesterday, we already know which games Gus is doing, but it's fun to dream, right? Besides the Temple-Michigan State game ("And Christmas has come early for Dionte and the Owls!!! AHHHHHHHH!") and the Pitt-Oral Roberts game ("And the Oral feels so good!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!"... notice the absolutely crucial but simple difference between him and Nantz? It's "AHHHHHH!!!!!") I'd like Gus to do the Texas-Austin Peay game for the chance to hear him scream Austin PEAYYYYYYY in an exuberant manner, just to see what it ends up sounding like.

Game You Should Be Thankful Jim Nantz IS NOT Announcing- Again, Nantz is doing the Raleigh games with UNC and Georgetown. But I cannot even fathom the complete and utter lameness with which he would call that Stanford-Cornell game. He'd probably just start talking about sailing and making fun of homeless people out of familiarity of his surroundings. Plus there will be tens of Lopez twin-related puns ("Stanford and the Lopez twins: twice as nice!")

Thing That Will Get Stuck In Billy Packer's Craw- I can guarantee Packer is downright furious that St. Mary's got in, but has no problem whatsoever with Kentucky making the field.

Most Ironic Commercial- Those completely incoherent IBM consulting commercials will look like a Miller Lite ad to those interested in the Stanford/Cornell game.

Talking Points That Will Make Your Brain Want To Die- Memphis' free throw shooting will doom them. Kentucky was once not as successful this season as they presently are. Texas will be playing the regionals in a place considerably closer to campus than others.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give CBS Execs Creamed Jeans- Pittsburgh vs. Michigan State would be a massive collection of sludge to watch, but for some reason CBS loves coaches, especially Tom Izzo. And they would have the guy they once shunned but now love because they need bloggers and Internet writers to tell them what normal people actually like, Gus Johnson, overseeing the Izzo/Dixon lovefest. (Don't let them get you, Gus, please don't.)

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give Hoops Fans Creamed Jeans, CBS Execs Flaccidity- I can't recall a team that has been so good recently that has received so little national media attention as Oregon. Less than 5 percent of the population knows that the Ducks were very close to making the Final Four last year and have been to the Elite Eight twice in the past five years. This year, they have one of the most efficient, exciting offenses in the nation and most talking heads were incensed they got in the tournament. Well I want to see them play Memphis really badly because it would be a fast-paced, insanely athletic festival of scoring and because the Ducks shoot the ball so much better than Memphis, could be an upset.

Best NBA Prospect- Brook Lopez and Derrick Rose should go No. 2 and No. 3 respectively, behind Michael Beasley, if both enter this year's draft. And it really shouldn't be disputed.

Best Taiwan League A Prospect- St. Mary's center Omar Samhan is already being hailed the next "King of Taipei".... but only in closed circles for fear of Communist backlash from China.

Most Likely Teabagging Scenario- Derrick Rose hasn't really broken one off yet this year. Nothing like the Mavericks of Texas-Arlington to cure what ails ya.

Most Unexpectedly Hot Cheerleaders- Although there might not be any sun up in the Pacific Northwest, it appears there are certainly tanning salons and other reasons for obscenely attractive females to attend school there. For more on the Oregon cheerleaders go to the possibly great, most certainly criminal in some way or another, Pac-10 Poon.

Oh, And The Winner Of The Damn Thing- It's going to be tough for Memphis to just get to the regional finals, but I think they will have one of those Ohio State type runs where they look like crap for awhile and then barely avoid upset. In the bottom half, a Texas-Stanford Sweet 16 game would be incredibly awesome. I think Brook Lopez is going to be the breakout star of this tournament. I'll go against the Houston thing and take Stanford to meet Memphis, play a zone with the Lopez twins making any points in the paint impossible, force the Tigers to shoot threes, get Dorsey in foul trouble and the Cardinal will be a surprise Final Four team.

The SSS 2008 NCAA Tournament Preview For Non-Psychics: West Region

Waxing poetic about how lovely the NCAA Tournament is seems a bit irrelevant at this point. Certainly "One Shining Moment" will provide a sort of grab-bag of sappiness at the end of the whole thing that will you make you go, "Man, I love March Madness," sigh while looking longingly into the middle distance and then go watch The Hills or something. Now is not the time for such nonsense. March Madness is great! Work sucks! Gus Johnson is so exciting! There, that's done with. What we all want right now is objective, cold-hearted analysis on which teams will prevail and how to win your office pools. I wholeheartedly hope you find something like that. Instead I offer my own brand of regional previews, based solely around enjoying the tournament as much as possible. I'd say "Enjoy" but that goes without saying this time of year.

Previously:
East Region

Today we go out West. Look for South and Midwest tomorrow and Thursday morning.

By the way, Awful Announcing has the first round announcers for each game, so check that out for Gus Johnson referential purposes in this preview.

1st Round Games
1) UCLA vs. 16) Mississippi Valley State: The outstanding Jim Varney, master of his craft, never made an "Ernest Goes To Hollywood" movie, but I would imagine the story of the Delta Devils' adventures this week should fill that void.

8) BYU vs. 9) Texas A & M: Probably the most boring first round match-up of closely matched seeds, there are gonna be a ton of dump downs and entry passes in this one with Trent Plaisted (BYU), Joseph Jones (A & M) and the Ghost of DeAndre Jordan (A & M) (and his 50 percent of actually showing up for a game). Both teams play solid defense but really struggle with shot-making at times. Man I'm pumped for this game.

5) Drake vs. 12) Western Kentucky: I'm not going to make a Love the Drake joke because everyone in the damn country, including human Ambien dispensers Seth Davis and Hubert Davis, has been making them all week. I think I was the first person lame enough to make this joke, so I feel as though it and I have come to the end of the road. We had a good run Love the Drake joke, no regrets. Anyway, this game would be a great Bracketbusters match-up, an event the Selection Committee apparently decided not to watch because they tried to recreate it. Drake is a really good team -- they are almost more "Butler" than Butler if that doesn't make your brain hurt -- but this will be a close game no matter what. The Hilltoppers (real nickname) are a like-minded team that can shoot the ball just like the Bulldogs. Their star is Courtney Lee, who is going to get his no matter what, but it'll come down to one other Hilltopper stepping up.

4) Connecticut vs. 13) San Diego: I'm excited for the Hasheem Thabeet vs. Gyno Pomare match-up which should decide who gets to be the challenger to Kenny George's title of "Guy Who Stumbles Into the Most Fouls." Generally it would be Pomare in a 8th round TKO, but Thabeet really showed me some uncoordination in the Big East tourney. Should be thrilling. There is a faint whiff of growing Torero support in this one but I'm not sure why. Yes, the Huskies struggled down the stretch but when you are more talented at every single position, you are probably going to win. I don't see Whale's Vagina scoring 60 points in this one and there's no way it dominates the inside against UConn like it did against Gonzaga.

6) Purdue vs. 11) Baylor: Thus begins this year's Pod of Dullness, the four teams (along with Xavier and Georgia, seen below) that make up the "pod" with the lowest quality of basketball. Lucky for me, I will be there Saturday in DC to see which squad can emerge from this trough of slop. Alcohol will surely be in the equation. This game should actually be somewhat entertaining despite being fairly meaningless in the overall scheme of this tournament. The Boilermakers are led by freshman Professor Frink Robbie Hummel but it will be their ball pressure of Baylor's outstanding quintet of guards, led by Curtis Jerrels, that decides this game. Purdue doesn't really have a rim protector so they need to keep all those fellas out of the lane and if they don't, at least stay at home on the shooters. I like Baylor to pull the upset and an Xavier-Baylor second round game actually doesn't sound so excruciating anymore.

3) Xavier vs. 14) Georgia: The Musketeers like to get after the ball on the defensive end and, on paper, it would seem the containment on Sundiata Gaines and Billy Humphrey (who is not, in fact, a cock-eyed optimist) is paramount to avoiding an upset. But in reality, the key for Xavier is going to be stopping God. The senior deity was the breakout performer for the Bulldogs in their amazing SEC Championship run. He has a strong right hand (Jesus) and a nice stroke from on high. Sean Miller needs to find a way to stop his drive-and-smite game and slow him down on offense like the Old Testament, and Arkansas, could not.

7) West Virginia vs. 10) Arizona: This is a Gus Johnson Special if there ever was one. But alas, we are stuck with Craig Bolerjack (real person) and Bob Wenzel. Surely those two nondescript folks will be all a twitter by Joe Alexander, Everyone's New Favorite White Guy, and his match-up with Chase Budinger. I'm not as concerned with that head-to-head match; it should be a wash and I don't see any way the Cats let Alexander go off. This one should come down to West Virginia getting consistent scoring from someone else to match Jerryd Bayless' production. If they can't get Jordan Hill, a guy the Mountaineers cannot match up with, in foul trouble, it'll be a long night but since he starts every game with two fouls (I think), that shouldn't be a problem.

2) Duke vs. 15) Belmont: Duke will either win this by 30 or lose. It's going to be an 80 possession game with at least 60 threes combined between the two teams and absolutely no semblance of a post player to be found. I'm dead serious when I say Belmont can win this game. They just need to hit about 15 threes and hope Duke hits about seven. But that's about as good a chance as any 15-seed can hope for, right? Again, another Gus Johnson Special. We need to get this man to DC ASAP. Although if we do, he might look like this by Saturday.

(Note: This is outstanding.)

To Watch For
Game You Should Really Want Gus Johnson Announcing- Yeah we already spoke about this. Turns out he's doing the Denver games, which includes the Michigan State/Temple/ Oral Roberts/ Pitt pod and the Washington State/ Winthrop/ Notre Dame/ George Mason pod. Not bad games for his greatness, especially because he has Mason. I trust him far better to call a potential Patriots upset than the punny creepiness of Jim Nantz.

Game You Should NOT Want Jim Nantz Announcing- Drake vs. Western Kentucky. Not that there is any way Nantz has ever watched/enjoyed Seinfeld -- he seems like a "Two And A Half Men" or "Mad About You" guy to me -- but I've gotta think he'd enlist up-and-coming comedian Seth Davis to help him out with some sweet Love the Drake puns. Plus if Western Kentucky wins, it'll be "And Western Kentucky has topped the first hill" or something vomit-inducing like that.

Thing That Will Get Stuck In Billy Packer's Craw- Something about BYU refusing to play on Sundays. Back in his day, "Mormon" was just another word for homosexual.

(Note: Nantz and Packer will be doing the Raleigh site with UNC's game, the Indiana-Arkansas game and the pod with Gonzaga/ Davidson/ Georgetown/ UMBC. So Kelvin Sampson and Josh Heytvelt, you're on notice.)

Most Ironic Commercial- Any Bud Light commercial during a West Virginia game. We all know West Virginia fans can't afford Bud Light.
/ducks

Talking Points That Will Make Your Brain Want To Die- Anything on the Coach K/Mike D'Antoni thing, even though the Suns don't even run that type of offense anymore. AJ Price as laptop stealer turned adopted son of Jim Calhoun will be popular too. Joe Alexander as the next coming of Larry Bird or, worst case scenario, Christ.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give CBS Execs Creamed Jeans-West Virginia-Duke would be right up CBS' wheelhouse in terms of pure whiteness and asshole coaches to deify. They would definitely hide the Carlos Mencia commercials for that one.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give Hoops Fans Creamed Jeans, CBS Execs Flaccidity- The aforementioned Baylor-Xavier game would be complete madness in terms of fun, guard-oriented basketball, but I think I speak for everyone when I say, I WANT ARIZONA-DUKE. Kevin O'Neill's gruffness with the media and deliberate, ball screen-laden offense wouldn't really boost the aesthetic value of a Duke/Coach K game that CBS would hope for, but there would be too much damn talent on that court to not be a classic.

Best NBA Prospect- Kevin Love is superdreamy but I think Russell Westbrook is going to be a damned assassin in the pros. I suppose Jerryd Bayless is a nice player too.

Best Latvian First Division Prospect- West Virginia's Jamie Smalligan is rumored to already have an offer to endorse Spilva, Latvia's leading provider of atrocious looking foods, when he graduates.

Most Likely Teabagging Scenario- Russell Westbrook will not leave Anaheim without embarrassing a Delta Devil.

Unexpectedly Hot Cheerleaders- In a region with UCLA, Georgia and Arizona, there's something oddly attractive about hooking up with a BYU cheerleader. And, of course, with some grit, determination and arcane legislative loopholes, you could hook up with all of the BYU cheerleaders.

(Note: If this page and the West Virginia "sports" "site," We Must Ignite This Couch, that contains it doesn't explain that state quite accurately, I don't know what would.)

Oh, And The Winner Of The Damn Thing- In a bracket that looks to heavily favor the chalk, if there is a half of a region that has the capability of producing a really weird Elite Eight participant, it's the bottom half of the West. I wouldn't be surprised if any of the top six seeds down there make the regional final against UCLA, which could have a tough game against UConn in the Sweet 16. The Bruins go to the Final Four and I still like them to win it all.

The 2008 Pod Of Doom, Pod of Dullness

Yes Bo, I have the same reaction when I look at your portion of my bracket.

OK, so I've finally started digging into this here bracket and filling out the games. I tend to fill out my bracket in groups of four. Taking each first and second round site and treating that as an individual tournament and moving on from there. These are called "pods" in Bracketspeak and they are the seemingly retarded idea of the NCAA to "limit" travel time for schools. Of course, like most pointless things the NCAA tries, this doesn't work and you've got Butler traveling to Alabama to play South Alabama or Gonzaga going to Raleigh to play Davidson. On top of that, there always seems to be one or two pods that are impossible to pick. These generally end up being very costly in the end because you have a team capable of making a Final Four stuck with a difficult first or second round game. One false move and you're finished.

Last year that pod was the one with Louisville and Texas A & M as the No. 6 and No. 3 seed respectively. I liked Louisville a lot but I loved A & M. I picked A & M to beat the Cardinals and go to the Final Four, knowing my bracket could be finished in Round 2. Thanks to some Edgar Sosa missed free throws I narrowly escaped this fate, but was doomed by a missed lay-up by Acie Law down the stretch of the Aggies Sweet 16 game with Memphis.

On the flip side, there are some pods that are impossible to pick because the teams involved are so bad. This generally includes teams that were moved up or down on the S Curve or struggled down the stretch. Usually these teams are very boring, have a pretty ambiguous identity and few household names. Last year it was the pod where No. 6 Notre Dame played No. 11 Winthrop and No. 3 Oregon played No. 14 Miami (Ohio) in the Midwest region. I though the Redbirds had a good chance to beat Oregon in that game and they almost did, losing by two. I was pretty confident Winthrop could pull an upset too, and they did. So I had all sorts of different combos in my different pools, none of which had Oregon coming out of that group. Worse yet, I was dead set on Florida, which was in the top half of that region, being the champ so it didn't even really matter who would come out of that portion; they would just be crushed by the Gators. But you still lose a lot of points. So when the Ducks made the Elite Eight after barely avoiding a massive upset, I got screwed.

So you get the idea. I've poured over the field this year and here are my two pods that could ultimately decide your fate.

Pod Of Doom:
Midwest Region, No. 6 USC vs. No. 11 Kansas State; No. 3 Wisconsin vs. No. 14 Cal State Fullerton- This one is being played in Omaha so none of the teams really have a clear-cut advantage, save for maybe KSU. Wisconsin is getting a lot of hype to come out of the bottom of that region but have probably the toughest No. 14 for them to match up with. Fullerton plays really fast and shoots the ball well. Wisconsin plays really slow and could struggle to score consistently in a high possession game. If Fullerton can speed up the game, it has a chance. Then you got USC-Kansas State which has the potential to make all the numbers irrelevant and turn into an AAU game. You've gotta like Tim Floyd's team in this game -- they killed Kevin Durant's Texas team in the NCAAs last year -- but when you have the best player like the Wildcats do, there is no telling what can happen. If it is Wisconsin-USC in the second round, that game is just as tough to predict. Both teams play great defense and like a half-court game. USC has much more talent but the more experienced Badgers play with a poise the young Trojans don't always have.

To make matters worse, the winner of this pod will play the winner of the Gonzaga- Davidson- Georgetown- UMBC pod, which isn't terrible, but still would not be a safe pick against Wisconsin or USC. So you have three teams -- USC, Wisconsin and KSU -- capable of making an Elite Eight run, but also very capable of losing in the first round.

The Reluctant Pick: USC

Others Considered
East: No. 5 Notre Dame vs. No. 12 George Mason; No. 4 Washington St. vs. No. 13 Winthrop
West: No. 5 Drake vs. No. 12 Western Kentucky; No. 4 UConn vs. No. 13 San Diego
South: No. 6 Marquette vs. No. 11 Kentucky; No. 3 Stanford vs. No. 14 Cornell

Pod of Dullness:
West, No. 6 Purdue vs. No. 11 Baylor; No. 3 Xavier vs. No. 14 Georgia- I suppose "dullness" isn't quite the right word for this one with some exciting teams there, but certainly none of these teams will be winning a second weekend game. The winner of this plays Duke, West Virginia or Arizona, none of which should lose to any of these teams (if the Wildcats or Mountaineers win two games, chances are they are playing well enough to be favored against Xavier or Purdue). With the exception of Georgia, all three of these teams played pretty poorly in their respective conference tournaments. Xavier lost to St. Joe's in the semis, Baylor lost in the first round to Colorado and Purdue lost to Illinois in the quarters. The Boilermakers and Bears have been pretty inconsistent this year and their game will probably just come down to which team is hoisting threes at a more accurate rate and who will prevail in the battle between Baylor's great guards and Purdue's great ball pressure. And as good as the Musketeers have been, they are playing Georgia and the Bulldogs' incredible momentum, chip-on-the-shoulder and quite possibly God himself.

Depending on your pool's format, there are some potentially make-or-break points riding on this teeming pile of mediocrity that will take place in DC, even if any further victories are a long shot (full disclosure: I am attending the second round games in DC Saturday and am none too pleased to be attending this year's Pod of Dullness; all angst will be taken out on Duke fans).

The Reluctant Pick: Xavier

Others Considered
Midwest: No. 5 Clemson vs. No. 12 Villanova; No. 4 Vanderbilt vs. No. 13 Siena;
South: No. 1 Memphis vs. No. 16 Texas-Arlington; No. 8 Mississippi State vs. No. 9 Oregon

The SSS NCAA Tournament Preview For Non-Psychics: East Region

Waxing poetic about how lovely the NCAA Tournament is seems a bit irrelevant at this point. Certainly "One Shining Moment" will provide a sort of grab-bag of sappiness at the end of the whole thing that will you make you go, "Man, I love March Madness," sigh while looking longingly into the middle distance and then go watch The Hills or something. Now is not the time for such nonsense. March Madness is great! Work sucks! Gus Johnson is so exciting! There, that's done with. What we all want right now is objective, cold-hearted analysis on which teams will prevail and how to win your office pools. I wholeheartedly hope you find something like that. Instead I offer my own brand of regional previews, based solely around enjoying the tournament as much as possible. I'd say "Enjoy" but that goes without saying this time of year.

Your East region. The West will come tomorrow. Midwest Wednesday and the South either Thursday morning or Wednesday night.

1st Round Games
1) North Carolina vs. 16) TBA: The Heels have never beaten TBA, so surely they are irked with the committee's decision to match up the overall No. 1 with a team its never beaten. Sons a bitches, those committee members are.

8) Indiana vs. 9) Arkansas: Some folks are perplexed by Indiana's low seeding but those people must not know some inside information about the Hoosiers: They suck. Yes I know; Eric Gordon, DJ White, those jazzy warm-up pants. It's Indiana! They are totally awesome! No, I'm sorry, they are not totally awesome. The Hoosiers best in-conference road win was at Ohio State. They lost to Minnesota and Penn State in the past week. And they broke all sorts of rules to achieve those stratospheric levels. Not to mention they have no point guard and refuse to play any sort of defense. Those looking for the Steve Fisher/Dan Dakich parallels may be better off referencing Fisher's golden days at San Diego State.

5) Notre Dame vs. 12) George Mason: Clueless, white businessmen everywhere -- you know, the guys who claim to really love March Madness but basically just repeat what they heard on Around the Horn when gathered at the water cooler; the guys who, if they win the pool will credit some kind of divine knowledge most certainly learned from Digger Phelps but when they lose joke around about it like they have the worst luck in the world ("I can never win these things, my wife beat me again!"); you know, the guys you want to kill -- will be determined to not let George Mason sneak up on them again this year. Even if it means picking against those crew-cut WASPy fellows that the Irish trot out there (keep in mind none of these idiots know nearly enough about basketball to have heard about McAlarney's reefer violation). I actually think Mason can win this one but for reasons (good at slowing down faster opponents, physical interior defense), different than Forbes Applewhite, CPA (they made the Final Four that year! what a Cinderella!).

4) Washington State vs. 13) Winthrop: Call the Eagles "The George Mason For Slightly Less Clueless White Businessmen." Those idiots will pick them based on past upsets and the general obscurity with which Wazzou plays. Unfortunately for Ted Stevens, VP of Sales, New England Patriots fan, "the Cougars" are more than just what he boasts his wife to be during their triannual sexual relations (Valentine's Day, Anniversary, and the greatest holiday of all, When She Gets Too Drunk at the Company Banquet). They are a really good basketball team that plays some really good defense and won't even be a touch bothered by Winthrop's vaunted ball pressure. They don't score well enough to beat a team like Notre Dame or North Carolina, but can certainly beat Winthrop, and Mason if they pull the upset, at their own game.

6) Oklahoma vs. 11) St. Joe's: This wins the award for Most Interesting Game to Real Hoops Fans That No One Else Will Give A Shit About. Both teams have underrated frontlines and watching Pat Calathes and Ahmad Nivins try to run around and stop Blake Griffin will be enjoyable, if not masochistic. I actually think they can do it though. Besides Griffin, the Sooners just cannot score the ball and the Hawks have stepped up their defense lately. This could be an 8-9 game if both teams seeds were more accurately.

3) Louisville vs. 14) Boise State: My love for the ball-hawking, lane-penetrating Cardinals is well-chronicled around these parts and if they make a deep run my unhealthy crush would certainly be vindicated. They face a pretty dangerous Boise State that can really shoot the ball but is rather uninterested in defense. If they can speed up the Cardinals and get into a shooting contest, well, they will still probably lose. But man do I love it when teams run up and down the court! (Seriously though, with this draw Louisville better make the damn Sweet 16 without breaking a sweat.)

7) Butler vs. 10) South Alabama: The Bulldogs got absolutely hosed and I have no idea why. They probably aren't the No. 4 seed all the crazies are clamoring for, but they certainly are a No. 5 or 6 and they certainly shouldn't have to play a road game in the first round against USA (the school, not the country; AJ Graves vs. Kobe Bryant would be an interesting match-up though). Despite the pounding they took, this is still a wildly interesting game. Butler plays slower than Kige Ramsey while the Jags play a bit faster and spread the floor some. Both teams have two of the better backcourts in mid-major basketball. Butler really can beat Tennessee in the second round but it'll be tough to even get there.

2) Tennessee vs. 15) American: This is just some cruel shit from the Selection Committee. I wrote this in the Selection Show Gamelog (Not About A Game), but I really don't see American being able to finish this game. Not that they aren't a good team, but the Eagles are 320th in the nation in pace of play. The Vols are 19th. The Vols have a bunch of crazy athletic people that jump over human beings for fun. American has this guy. And this guy. And this guy. I'm being dead serious when I say I am worried for the physical well-being of this team.

To Watch For
Game You Should Really Want Gus Johnson Announcing- Oklahoma vs. St. Joe's. Should be close, Gus should love Blake Griffin, struggle to pronounce Calathes.

Game You Should NOT Want Jim Nantz Announcing- Notre Dame vs. George Mason. First, the pun count will be off the charts with Mason ("Is Cinderella Ready For Another Night Out?" something awful along those lines). Second, when he sees Notre Dame and its fans he will go right into Augusta National mode (with Tory Jackson playing the part of Tiger Woods /ducks).

Thing That Will Get Stuck In Billy Packer's Craw- Surely, he'll be pissed about the whole Butler situation and will have a few fun words for Indiana and the Kelvin Sampson mess but something tells me he'll have some backhandedly racist comments about Tyler Smith's tear drop tattoos that CBS will sweep nicely under the rug. Also, there's no way he stays non-biased if he does that Notre Dame-George Mason game.

Most Ironic Commercial- John Mellencamp's soulcrushingly ubiquitous This Is Our Country commercial should fit oh-so swimmingly with the Tennessee game as a Jewish guy coaches a predominantly black team in a town best known for erroneously sending Martin Luther King Jr. to jail. This, indeed, is our country.

Talking Points That Will Make Your Brain Want To Die- David Padgett is a "point center." Luke Harangody looks like a football player. These things are unavoidable, completely irrelevant.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give CBS Execs Creamed Jeans- UNC v. Indiana. DJ White vs. Tyler Hansbrough. Basketball mecca vs. basketball mecca. Traditionally proud program vs. recently shamed program. Hillbillies vs. Rednecks.

Second Round Match-Up That Would Give Hoops Fans Creamed Jeans, CBS Execs Flaccidity- Notre Dame vs. Washington State. Freewheeling three-point hoisting vs. plodding deliberation masked as efficiency. Derrick Low's Hawaiian weed stash v. Kyle McAlarney's self control.

Best NBA Prospect- Blake Griffin should stay another year, then become a Top 5 pick. Not entirely sold on Eric Gordon on the next level yet.

Best Luxembourg First Division Prospect- Arkansas Center Steven Hill will take Diekrich by storm next year.

Most Likely Teabagging Scenario- The Smith Named Tyler all over one those poor, unsuspecting future diplomats of American.

Unexpectedly Hot Cheerleaders- Arkansas. Gotta think there are some really pretty, excruciatingly dumb girls in that group.

Oh, And The Winner Of The Damn Thing- Louisville-Tennessee and UNC-Notre Dame in two epic regional semifinals with the Cardinals and Heels advancing. Louisville advances to the Final Four when Wayne Ellington has an atrocious shooting night.