The Holy Trinity of Courtside Entertainment

About a week ago I was listening to a podcast on AOL Fanhouse where the guest was Bethlehem Shoals from Free Darko, home of the most outstanding basketball writing on these here Internets (and that includes Jay Bilas). And the host MJD asked Shoals a simple but delightful question: If you could watch an NBA game courtside with any three people in the game, who would it be? Shoals selected a magnificent trio of Amare Stoudemire, Hubie Brown and Jeff Van Gundy, three guys who hang out a lot anyway. Well in the interest of testing my own ability to dream and to completely rip a post idea from another blog, here are my choices for the college arena.

The following people are too cliche and will not even be considered: Bob Knight, Coach K, John Wooden, Dick Vitale (shudder), Billy Packer (nausea), Jim Nantz (actual vomit), Kevin Durant (redacted for privacy issues), Dean Smith, any other boring famous coach. And with the vast array of people attached to the game, I've decided to go with one player, one coach and one person fulfilling some other capacity in college hoops.
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The Player
Josh Heytvelt - I would love to watch a game with Josh and pick his brain. Unfortunately this might make him uncomfortable because he'll probably think I'm actually picking at his brain. I invited you Josh, keep the fish outs to a minimum. But seriously, this guy is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a Philly Blunt. You are the best player on a top 25 team in a town that worships you and a possible first round draft pick, and you decide to go ride around town with some shrooms?! I mean I'm sure Spokane is boring but is it so boring that you need a turquoise fire-breathing elephant in your life?! I respect the work he's done to get back into good graces with his team but needless to say I'd still have some unanswered questions for him. Plus sitting courtside at a basketball game is a sensory experience. I'd really like to see him tackle the challenge of 10 large, fast-moving individuals, wearing a variety of colors no less, with loud music and sparkly cheerleaders going during timeouts and a flurry of whistles that may or may not be soul-devouring canaries. And then party with him afterwards, of course.

The Analyst
Seth Davis - I'd want to watch a game with Davis so I could confirm that I know more about basketball than him. Every time I see him on CBS or manage to locate the brief content he produces for Sports Illustrated I try to figure out how exactly he got his job. For a comprehensive, outstanding examination of Davis' ineptitude and complete lack of authority on college hoops, SportsbyBrooks has an investigation. Also, take a look at these gems, here and here. I expect inane, obvious drivel from former players turned analysts but this is his only job! Well, actually not his only job. According to his SI.com bio, Davis also performs stand-up comedy in New York City ("What's the deal with traveling? It's not like they're going very far!") Sadly, I cannot find any video of this so in order to cross "Hear Seth Davis Tell Dick Joke" off my list of things to do before I die, he must bring his comedic stylings courtside with me and Heytvelt (no amount of drugs that Heytvelt gives me would make Seth Davis funny).

The Coach
Jim Larranaga - I covered Delaware, the worst team in the damn country, in college so I've actually spoken with him before. It was 2006 CAA Media Day and after getting the quotes for my devastatingly depressing Blue Hens men's basketball season preview there was still some interview time left so I wandered over to the throng of media surrounding one man. This was of course, the season after he led Mason to the Final Four, so literally 75 percent of the reporters there could be found at Larranaga's side at all times. And despite answering the same questions over and over again, his voice hoarse, sweat on his forehead, the displaced old school coach from the Bronx was constantly entertaining, his anecdotes keeping the reporters laughing and his insight on an abruptly life-changing event riveting. And I would say about half of what he said had nothing to do with basketball, choosing instead to offer his refreshingly positive perspective on life, success and leadership. After picking two people to have beside me simply to ridicule, Larranaga would keep me entertained when I ran out of shroom jokes and Seth Davis had ran out of obvious things to say.