The TeaBagging Series: James Gist Attacks Tyler Hansbrough

I don't care who you are or who you claim to be, if you like basketball there is no finer play in the game than when one player unleashes savage dunk upon another. There are many ways to describe it: "posterizing," Marv Albert's "serves up a facial," "getting banged on" or, my personal preference, "getting pooped on" (because actually getting pooped upon is the only thing as equally degrading as having someone dunk on you). We shall use Teabagging for the namesake of this series, mainly because the pic below is my favorite TeaBagging of all time and it shall be honored thusly.

That symbolizes all that is right with the world.

But no matter what you call it, there is generally one reaction to watching this happen live. Extreme jubilation, inaudible screeches, not unlike the noise Gus Johnson frequently makes in moments of high intensity, and some kind of involuntary burst of aerobic exultation, similar to how Elaine dances in Seinfeld.

Feel free to link video of any TeaBaggings I might have missed in the comments.

Previously:
Russell Westbrook giving Jamal Boykin a groin sandwich.
Tyler Hansbrough giving Kenny George two Hs (= Gheorghe)
Deron Washington giving Mike Scott the Backwards Box Out

Today:

Tyler Hansbrough is an interesting fellow. He was a high school star but not one that the average fan recognized. He was No. 10 in that class on Rivals, but eight of the nine before him are already in the NBA. It appeared impossible Hansbrough would keep up with his peers once he entered college. He had some size but his success was built on fundamentals and hard work. He would be a four-year starter, but in a bad way.

But Psycho T had other ideas. His freshman season he exploded, taking the country by storm, dropping 40 points in a game, finishing second in the ACC to the painstakingly despised JJ Redick and had the whiteness innocence that made him tough to dislike, except in the leper colony that is Durham. Furthermore, his sophomore season was an improvement and he endeared himself to fans serving as the victim to a vicious cheap shot (the results of which can be seen in this blog's lovely banner) from Gerald Henderson, who might as well have dug up the corpse of Roy Williams' mother and offered it for crowd surfing to the Duke student section. Hansbrough once again had the support of a college hoops nation.

But then something strange happened. He stepped onto the court in 2007 and everyone hated him. I personally don't hate Hansbrough (despite the banner). I wish the media would realize it's obvious how good a player he is, instead of having to tell us every 10 seconds in loud, migraine-inducing, boner-laden exultations, but I think he's a great college player and a likable guy. But in a season where we lack an Adam Morrison-type whiteboy and Duke seems to be pretty tolerable (with the exception of Greg Paulus, who isn't good enough to truly hate), fans across the country want, nay, crave a good, white player - one that looks like the kid from middle school who peed himself, but will still make more money in the NBA than even the yacht-hoarding Dukies - upon which to take out their frustrations.

And so does James Gist.

Yes Gist, a player blessed with all of the insane athletic ability that Hansbrough never had. And yet for four years, James Gist has been a solid, but just above average college player. His impact is essentially reduced to highlight reel dunks and blocks. He had to sit and watch as Hansbrough, one year his junior, excelled based on sheer will and grit - luck, Gist thought. It was Hansbrough and not he that Dick Vitale raved about. Sure he was afraid of Vitale just like he was afraid of every other old, excitable, slimy white man he'd ever encountered - save Gary Williams of course - but that was besides the point. Tyler didn't deserve it. Didn't fans love dunks and blocks? Not foul shots? Worse, it was Hansbrough that fans seemed to lay off. Sure the Duke fans jeered Tyler more than him, but that's because Duke fans are afraid of black people.

But this year, with the sudden hatred laid upon Hansbrough early in the season, Gist breathed anew. Ol' Owl Eyes is finally getting what he deserved and Gist was ready to take over for an improved Terrapin squad. Surely the national eye would turn fondly toward him! But such things were not meant to be. Maryland lost to American and Ohio while UNC went undefeated. Gist wasn't really improving on his junior season while Tyler was the Player of the Year favorite. Then, the unthinkable happened. The advantage Gist had long held over Tyler, one that he cherished so, the ability to unleash savage dunks that shook opponents to their very soul and increased his sperm count threefold, disappeared. Tyler dunked on Kenny George, 7-7 monster, the holy grail of TeaBag objects. He had reached the pinnacle of Gist's world, besting him at a foreign craft that Gist knew so well. This destroyed him. This, my friends, was the final straw.

When that shot caromed off the rim to the weakside and Tyler looked at what he thought was an easy rebound, James Gist saw opportunity. Not the opportunity to be on Sportscenter's top 10; he had much more to offer than that. No, he saw the opportunity to make amends on a life gone awry. He saw an opportunity to escape all that was wrong with being James Gist. He saw an opportunity to shit all over Tyler Hansbrough. And shit he did.

Fly, James. Fly.

The TeaBagging Series: Deron Washington Sits Atop Mike Scott

I don't care who you are or who you claim to be, if you like basketball there is no finer play in the game than when one player unleashes savage dunk upon another. There are many ways to describe it: "posterizing," Marv Albert's "serves up a facial," "getting banged on" or, my personal preference, "getting pooped on" (because actually getting pooped upon is the only thing as equally degrading as having someone dunk on you). We shall use Teabagging for the namesake of this series, mainly because the pic below is my favorite TeaBagging of all time and it shall be honored thusly.

That symbolizes all that is right with the world.

But no matter what you call it, there is generally one reaction to watching this happen live. Extreme jubilation, inaudible screeches, not unlike the noise Gus Johnson frequently makes in moments of high intensity, and some kind of involuntary burst of aerobic exultation, similar to how Elaine dances in Seinfeld.

You would think with the athleticism in the NBA, it would produce far more feces platters than the college ranks but I think the numbers are probably similar. After all, there are far more games per night and far more pipsqueaks, walk-ons and stiffs for which to be helmetized. Plus with the arcane charging rules in college, you have a lot of players trying to take an offensive foul right under the basket and end up losing their girlfriends.

Feel free to link video of any TeaBaggings I might have missed in the comments.

Previously: Russell Westbrook giving Jamal Boykin a groin sandwich.
Tyler Hansbrough giving Kenny George two Hs (= Gheorghe)

Today we honor a man to which enough honor cannot be bestowed. Deron Washington, the Original TeaBagger, has struck again. Washington is indeed a Chosen One. Spawned from the absence of previous messiahs, Ism'ail Muhammad, James White and David Noel, Washington has the divine power to frequently poop upon people while holding no regard for any other aspects of the game. Dribbling? Unimportant. Shooting? For peasants. Passing? What's the bother when mere mortals are the recipient? These noble men thrive in the face of practical basketball skills. The NBA is no promiseland. Playing exhibition games on the And1 Tour in front of white teenagers in Montana. That, my friends, is their destiny.

While Washington hit the game winner against Virginia Wednesday, it was but a mere footnote in his legend. Another notch was added to his belt with that disgusting display of forced piggybacking. Not only did he inflict such destruction upon Mike Scott of Virginia, but Sir Deron also made it clear that the art of TeaBagging knows no color, no sides, no unworthy form of opposition. Yes, Virginia Tech forward Jeff Allen, not even a shared jersey can save you from joining vanquished foes such as Scott, Tyrelle Blair of Boston College, and, lest we forget, the moment which started a revolution of TeaBagging, a movement so strong that it ignited the passion of millions against a single adversary; Greg Paulus of Duke, apprentice of Krzyzewski, King of the Rats, from the Land of Fortunate Calls. Gather round as I recite a tale of unprecedented testicular will, of flawless groin maneuvering, of good over evil, scrote over, well... this. A tale that inspired a people.



Deron Washington I bow down before thee.

TheTeaBagging Series: Tyler Hansbrough Summits Kenny George

I don't care who you are or who you claim to be, if you like basketball there is no finer play in the game than when one player unleashes savage dunk upon another. There are many ways to describe it: "posterizing," Marv Albert's "serves up a facial," "getting banged on" or, my personal preference, "getting pooped on" (because actually getting pooped upon is the only thing as equally degrading as having someone dunk on you). We shall use Teabagging for the namesake of this series, mainly because the pic below is my favorite dunk of all time and it shall be honored thusly.

That symbolizes all that is right with the world.

But no matter what you call it, there is generally one reaction to watching this happen live. Extreme jubilation, inaudible screeches, not unlike the noise Gus Johnson frequently makes in moments of high intensity, and some kind of involuntary burst of aerobic exultation, similar to how Elaine dances in Seinfeld.

You would think with the athleticism in the NBA, it would produce far more feces platters than the college ranks but I think the numbers are probably similar. After all, there are far more games per night and far more pipsqueaks, walk-ons and stiffs for which to be helmetized. Plus with the arcane charging rules in college, you have a lot of players trying to take an offensive foul right under the basket and end up losing their girlfriends.

Previously: Russell Westbrook giving Jamal Boykin a groin sandwich.

The Westbrook dunk was just a couple days ago and now this? The teabagging is coming hot and heavy! ...Hmmm, OK, let me start over.

Man! That was some kind of dunk by Tyler Hansbrough last night!

Seriously, Hansbrough is a nice player and all, but to see him jump over a stapler is pretty surprising, let alone dunking on a 7-7 dude, even if said 7-7 dude is essentially a lamppost. As for George (which is eerily close to Gheorghe), who was the definition of a project center when he came to college, he has improved mightily in three years (12 points, 9.4 rebs and 5.4 near goaltends, er, blocks per game) for an Asheville team that is a Big South contender, enough to warrant a nice little New York Times feature yesterday. It's a well-done feature, focusing a lot on the ridiculous, at times frustrating, life of a 7-7 college student (kegstands an impossible dream, sorority threesomes a risk of homicide).

But, unfortunately for George, this dunk may just be a sign of things to come. Someone is going to draft this monster in the second round of the draft and be convinced they can turn him into a serviceable player. And like Shawn Bradley, Rik Smits and Muresan before him, he's going to find that players in the NBA are much more athletic and willing to climb him as a means to attacking the rim than even Psycho T. Plus in the NBA, when you play 82 games, get paid millions and many of the teams have no chance of winning, there is a point in the season where all you have left to play for is adding names to the Who I've Dunked On List (I'm looking at you Josh Smith). George will be like an ancient talisman that players around the league will search for far and wide and those who missed out on the Poster ATM that was Shawn Bradley, will find a newfound enthusiasm with the introduction of a fresh target. Dunking on him will be like entering a secret society, of which Tyler Hansbrough is the inexplicable leader.

Because SportsCenter sucks and many dunks go unnoticed by the masses, please feel free to link any YouTube clips I might have missed in the comments section.

The TeaBagging Series: Russell Westbrook meets Jamal Boykin

I don't care who you are or who you claim to be, if you like basketball there is no finer play in the game than when one player unleashes savage dunk upon another. There are many ways to describe it: "posterizing," Marv Albert's "serves up a facial," "getting banged on" or, my personal preference, "getting pooped on" (because actually getting pooped upon is the only thing as equally degrading as having someone dunk on you). We shall use Teabagging for the namesake of this series, mainly because the pic below is my favorite dunk of all time and it shall be honored thusly.


That symbolizes all that is right with the world.

But no matter what you call it, there is generally one reaction to watching this happen live. Extreme jubilation, inaudible screeches, not unlike the noise Gus Johnson frequently makes in moments of high intensity, and some kind of involuntary burst of aerobic exultation, similar to how Elaine dances in Seinfeld.

You would think with the athleticism in the NBA, it would produce far more feces platters than the college ranks but I think the numbers are probably similar. After all, there are far more games per night and far more pipsqueaks, walk-ons and stiffs for which to be helmetized. Plus with the arcane charging rules in college, you have a lot of players trying to take an offensive foul right under the basket and end up losing their girlfriends.

We will start the series off with a monstrous display from the walking hair mural that is UCLA's Russell Westbrook, who took advantage of Cal's Jamal Boykin's attempt at drawing a charge to introduce him to the skin lotion he uses on his upper thigh. After the game, Boykin said the scent was peach apricot and by golly, he was correct. Although he was devastatingly embarrassed, he can now go from ashy to classy.

Because SportsCenter sucks and many dunks go unnoticed by the masses, please feel free to link any YouTube clips I might have missed in the comments section.